Like that short lived sit-com "Samantha Who?" Get hit by a car and go into a coma and wake up a week later with total amnesia. Start over, the lot of your past mistakes wiped clean. I used to want that every day of my life.
I was a survivor, though barely, of a painful divorce and had no direction. I looked to people I called my friends and they had some very shallow answers. I tried to find a place in church and the people I connected with seemed to be floundering around in life just as I was. I was miserable. I had no future. I spent my nights out at the bar, sharing my bed with whomever was willing and sinking further into the pit of loneliness and despair. In one of many arguments my mother asked "Have you no shame?" My response was to push my family further away. But in truth, I had shame. I was consumed in shame.
I had no idea how to get out of the depths I was in. I couldn't go back to my religious upbringing because I wasn't raised with that type of God. It wasn't my parents' fault, I had been piggybacking their faith all that time. I had met the Holy Spirit a few times while at youth events or in college. Yet those few meetings seemed grossly overshadowed by the horrible wrongs of my past and present.
So, I got married again. I involved my parents in my life again and tried to be faithful to the churchgoing person I used to be. I tried for a baby for over three agonizing years and during that time I begged and pleaded for God to grant my request. Not realizing that all this time, I was still in the bottom of that pit. Had I changed my circumstances? Yes, absolutely. Had I changed my heart? Maybe fractionally, at least I was praying again. I was faithful to my husband and I put in my attendance at church. But the Spirit wasn't there.
Then I had a baby. Her name was Remle Anne and she was perfect. The best thing I had ever made. And at that moment of her birth, God changed my name.
It was a slow process. No one can change their personality. I was still the loud, obnoxious, outgoing, quick to anger, impulsive, loving, fun person that I had always been. But now I belonged to God. I had the burden in my heart to show my child what a woman of God should be. And I tried so hard to do so. I wasn't perfect. In my transformation, I left my husband behind. We grew further and further apart. I couldn't understand why he didn't see the better me. The new life I wanted for us and our now two children.
What separated us and then brought us back together was our new church. The church was full of imperfect people loving a perfect God. I jumped in with both feet. Bringing my husband and children in tow. Was there resistance at first? Yes, definitely. Did I forget to compromise and listen? Always. But God was changing me, over and over again. The Spirit was there, working in me and in my marriage. It took a few years to get us to a good place. We still have our struggles. But for the most part, we have learned to put God in the equation first.
My new theme song in Tenth Avenue North's "You are More"
The chorus is:
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Toby Mac sings a song "Lose My Soul"
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
But Christ came in range, we said yes now we changed,
Not the same, even though I made a fall,
Since I got that call, no more Saul, now I'm Paul.
We sing a song in church "I Will Change Your Name"
‘I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid
I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.”
I relate to all of these words and so much more. Am I perfect? Never. Am I called to try to be like Jesus? Everyday. And everyday I fall short. But God has changed my name. I am no longer shameful, beat down, hopeless. Now, thanks to my Father, my King, my Savior, I am more. I am so much more.
What do you want your new name to be?
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