So if you’re thinking that this post is about my husband, then you’re wrong. Not because the title wouldn’t apply to him, but because I doubt I will ever write about my hubby. He’s a complicated one in that he’s not that complicated. Most men aren’t and while we women would take that as a bit of an insult, my husband definitely would not. He delights in being as simple and easy to read as possible. It’s one of the many things that drive me crazy about him and make me appreciate him all the same. Therefore, there’s not a ton to write about, thus saving us all the agony of having to read about my beloved.
No, this post is about a guy we all “know.” I use the term lightly (hence the “ “ marks) because there are so many times we think we “know” someone. I mean they could be our best friend and we spend an inordinate amount of time with them and then one day WHAM! They do something or say something that is the proverbial equivalent to being hit by a Wal-Mart truck. We never saw it coming and can’t believe that our closest confidant just said or did that outrageous thing. The harsh truth is, we can never really know someone inside out. We are living, breathing beings and therefore also changing, evolving, and freaking our friends out by our off the wall choices when they thought they knew us so well. You may think you know your husband, your momma, your best friend of 25 years, and don’t get me wrong you probably do know a lot of facts about them. You could probably take yourself down to the mall and get them something that they would just love because you know them so well. You could plan a big surprise party for them and know the people they would definitely want to attend and those invitations that should get “lost in the mail.” These are the people that when they die, you could pick out the clothes they would want to be buried in and that special song that they would want played that would make everyone cry every time they heard it from then on. I know we all know people that know us best. It is good to have those relationships in our life. We were created to make bonds through marriage, blood and common denominators. But, no matter how deep your knowledge is of someone, you can never really know what is going on in their mind. You can never really know what it is that they think of as they are laying in bed at night. We all have the secret rooms in our heart and mind that we just don’t share with anyone. I don’t think we always mean to keep things from people. Believe me, I am one of the most transparent people you’ll find. Partially because I believe in being honest (see previous posts) but mostly because I have a big mouth and my filter between my brain and said constantly moving hole in my face rarely connect. And even though I’m talking all the time and am going to tell you exactly what I think, I just have parts of me I tell no one. And whether you want to think that about your spouse, sister or bestie, it’s the truth.
But just when I think I can keep a part of me hidden, I realize that I really do want to share it with someone.
As you have read, the past year has been a hard one for this family and it isn’t getting any easier around here. I try to be positive and keep the mantras “It could always be worse” and “So many people are less fortunate than I.” Those are great mantras, not only because they are true but because they help me keep things in perspective. If I didn’t say those to myself and others on a daily basis (and sometimes 15 times a day) I would complain all of the time. It’s not that I don’t believe I can’t complain. I do complain and cry and doubt and feel sorry for myself almost at some point everyday. But if I didn’t keep a little perspective on just how damn good I have it, I would be a real Negative Nellie.
So while sitting in my seat at the last Ewomen conference(http://www.ewomen.net/) a few weeks ago, I was really having a hard time keeping it together. You know those times when you are listening to a sermon or a lesson and you can feel the Holy Spirit bearing down on you. That voice telling you to listen up because the things being said are for your benefit. Yeah, you know the one. Sometimes I really want to give that voice a good pinch and say “Stop it, I’m trying to keep my composure and really not ruin my makeup by balling in the middle of all these people right now.” Well, it was one of those moments.
I had been thinking about how hard I have been praying, begging God to move in my life. I mean seriously move. Like find my husband an awesome job and put our life back to where it used to be, but like, a thousand times better. And yes, there were several times when I would look at my prayer list and say to Him “God you know what is on this list and all the people that I want to offer up to you, so I’m just going to blanket pray for them and move on to praying for what I know you need to do for me.” It’s the truth, I was spending a lot of time talking and very little time listening. So while at this conference I was listening to a woman talk about how she was begging God for a sign. She was holding on to the end of her rapidly fraying rope and she couldn’t understand why God was not speaking to her. And then she said something that really just bowled me over. I mean I sat in shock for like five minutes after she said this. She said “If you are begging God to speak to you but you can’t hear Him, maybe you don’t know Him well enough to recognize His voice.” She probably said it much more eloquently that that, hence the reason she gets paid to speak to thousands and I write this blog for myself and the two other people that skim it. But I digress… She was saying, if you are spending all this time praying and begging God for direction, for Him to speak to you and give you a sign, then you need to know Him well enough to recognize His voice. And how do we get to know Him? By reading His word of course.
Now I have a dear friend that doesn’t put his faith in the word much. He says something to the effect that if God’s only communication to us is a book written by a bunch of sinners, then how are we supposed to believe in the things written. And since my mind is simple and I have no problem accepting that the Bible is inspired word and that if God wanted it in there, He would have put it in there, I have a difficult time grasping the argument my friend makes. I’m sure that there is a whole community of scholars that argue this point my friend makes all day long, but that falls on deaf ears with me. Like I said, simple mind equals simple faith with me. And since God calls us to have faith like that of little children, I am going to err of the side of the Bible being all I need to truly know my God.
The Bible is an amazing book to me. A little confusing, a little mixed up if you read it in the order most Bibles are sold (try the Chronological Bible, it’s spliced up into an orderly timeline that walks you through when things actually happened.) But it’s also a great read. I mean c’mon, how many other books can you read about creation, love, murder, deceit, hate, adultery, war, sacrifice and even an “alien” encounter? It’s seriously full of stupid men, conniving women, whiny cultures and a hero that keeps saving them all. It has natural disasters, unexplainable phenomenon, plagues, and best of all a truly “happily ever after.” And even after all of this, I don’t spend time reading it like I should. And I don’t have the excuse of “I’m not really a reader.” I can finish a book in one day. I am a voracious reader. There are some authors that release a new book and I have it that day, neglecting my children and family so that I can read. It’s sad to say then, that I have never done this so that I may read my Bible.
How am I supposed to get to know God, the one I’m pleading for help, if I’m not even going to read a book He wrote? I mean seriously, if your husband, momma or best friend wrote a book, wouldn’t you read it?!? After the speaker was done, I just could not get this thought out of my head. I grew up in the church, going 3 times a week. I went to a Christian High School and Christian College where Bible classes are mandatory, so I know the Bible fairly well. But in all honesty, I can’t say that I know God very well. I do know He is by my side, and I do know He keeps His promises. But I also know that for someone that has been calling myself a Christian for years, I don’t know my Savior as well as I should. And while I want to get better at this relationship, I do have the security in knowing that God knows me better than I know myself. And regardless of how short I fall in my portion, He will never leave me.
A part of me is worried that I will not like what I find when I delve deeper into the word. A part of me is scared that the prayers I have been praying are receiving answers and I’m not educated enough to see it. I feel like I have found a missing puzzle piece, and I can’t wait to put it in the very middle and finally get the big picture. Maybe you have had the same problem. Maybe you love God and want your family to grow in the Lord. Maybe you know the facts of the Bible, but haven’t taken the time to really study as to why God is who He is. I challenge you to the same challenge I’m giving myself. Make time everyday, to listen to Him. Get your Bible, (not your phone or computer, you need a real book to do this exercise) and pray that God will show you what to read. Open your Bible up and turn the pages until you feel God speaking to you. Read until you feel you found why that portion was purposeful. There may be times that you read and feel no real direction, those may be the days that what you read can bless someone else. How will you know until you try? Seek Him out, get to know our Creator and His voice will become clear to you.
Matthew 7:7&8
Ask, Seek, Knock
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
