I haven't posted anything new because life has been out of control busy. I started the blog before we left for a family vacation to my husband's hometown in Canada. When we made it home from Canada, we visited my sister in Auburn, AL. So you see, I've had literally, no time. But why start a blog if I don't have time for it? Well one of my favorite things to say is "You'll never have time, you have to make time." So here I am, making time.
I have a dear friend who is trying to have a baby. Well, who doesn't have a friend who's trying to have a baby? If you're even remotely friendly with me, then at one time not so long ago, I was that friend to you. Desperately trying and each month I was devastated. Then along came, Remle and life just changed. Changed isn't even the word for it. To be honest a part of me wants to shake this friend and yell "Don't do it!" And yet I know that's crazy. I mean it sounds like I regret having children. That I don't appreciate the gifts that God gave me and that I don't see what a miracle giving birth is. Believe me, I do. I see it, feel it, live it, every day. But the truth is, motherhood (notice I didn't say parenting, cause that's very different) will change you forever. This friend of mine has everything right now. Great job, great spouse, great house, great car, wonderful body. I can't believe she'd want to screw it all up. Now if you are just some random person reading my blog, then you are not qualified to yell at me. You don't know me, you can't hear my voice inside your head while reading this. You don't know how much I have given up to raise these two grub snatchers. You don't know, so piss off. For the rest of you that do know me, you know I'm torn. I had this life, not perfect..who's is? But it was good for me. I went out when I wanted. I spent money on what I wanted. I socialized with who I wanted. When you have a kid and you're trying to do right by that kid, things change.
Everyday I wake up and think that I should be doing something different. My husband always asks me if I'm working on the book that I have been working on for 10 years now. And my answer is always "there's no time" I know, I know, see previous statement about making some. But truth be told, when you have a kid or multiple kids, things get put on the back burner. In some cases, the pot gets washed and put in the cabinet. And it's possible you'll never see that pot again. I had dreams. Big dreams.
Now part of these dreams going down the drain is my own damn fault. Dropping out of college and marrying way too young are my fault. But you live you learn and some of those mistakes have made me who I am. And I am better for it. I promise. But some are dreams that needed cultivating and time. And one of those was having babies and being a stay at home mom. Did I plan for my life as a stay at home mom to be this way? No, absolutely not. I thought I would be this crafty woman who had a squeaky clean house and brilliant children. Now mind you I am crafty and my children are brilliant, but my house is never clean. In fact it is very close to being a health code violation. Any minute the CDC could bust up in here and it would all be over.
And every morning I desperately wish I had my full time job back and my children were in daycare. That sounds crazy because every day I went to work at my full time job and took Remle to daycare, I cried and I hated it and wished exactly the opposite. I am so fickle.
I do really want to write a book. I think that I would be good at it. I have great ideas and everyone I share them with, thinks they're great too. I would love to be in a Broadway show. That will probably not happen. But I can dream. That statement was mostly for people who are always asking "Why did you never do anything with your voice?" If you know me and didn't know I can sing, I really can't, please don't ask me. Unless of course it's your wedding or funeral. I make exceptions for that. I'm too old for American Idol anyway.
So getting back to this friend. You know who you are. I am your biggest cheerleader for whatever you want to do. I have always been and always will be. (I hope you haven't been trying to get rid of me.) I know I don't always say the right thing. I know I don't always give motherhood the best face. But I just want you to know how different life will be. You will love it and hate it. No harm in the truth. I know you'll be great at it. You're great at everything. Your offspring will be amazing. I just want you to know that if you ever really do feel like it's not what you expected, or you are in way over your head, call me. I will not say "I told you so." Probably because I'll feel the same way. Most likely because I'm 10 seconds and a overly used mantra away from stuffing my kids in the oven.
You will never get these moments back. The moments when you wanted that baby so badly, but cherished every moment that they weren't here. Living your life, fulfilling your dreams. You will grow through the journey. You will learn and you will be bent to your weakest point. But nothing feels like motherhood. It is an awful, glorious, insulting and blissful job. I pray that all of your wildest and childlike dreams come true. Love is truly shown through the eyes of a child. And I love you dearly.
Now, how soon are you going to buy this tired and haggard old mother a drink?
