Before I fall into a huge swamp of self pity I scream to myself "Brakes!" and pull over at the edge of panic just past the town of desperation. I'm thinking "What the Hell is wrong with me?" Well, truth be told, I have a long list of what is wrong with me. But as of lately there has been this one big boulder in my path...
Life has not exactly panned out these past few months and there are days when I think nothing of it. Then there are days when I am hanging on to my rapidly fraying rope (yes, I did steal that from Julia Roberts in 'My Best Friend's Wedding') and screaming my head off. But I have yet to really wallow in that aforementioned murky swamp that is quite deceiving in its depth and density. I have had my moments. There have been a few days that I am sad to say I have been quite snippy. I have snapped at a few friends and coveted even more than I care to share. I am not proud of those moments. But, for the most part, I have tried to hold my head up and keep my nose down and push forward while sliding backwards into the big mess that this life has afforded us.
Yet, the hardest thing I have given up in all of this is not a thing. I absolutely do miss the small pleasures that a paycheck did afford. My Sonic happy hour trips and Target shopping splurges are a thing of the past. Heck, I can't even buy an I tunes download without having to calculate the next week's purchases to see if there is a small fissure in the budget. No the hardest thing I have had to forgo is my pride.
I grew up in the path of a proud family. And while I never thought of that as a bad thing, simply because they were hard workers and earned every bit they had, it sometimes shocked me how I could hear that "Holier Than Thou" tone in some of things said around the table. I remember so many times feeling that good ole fashioned shame of my sinful and rebellious nature, hanging my head in shame knowing I was worthless, and my grandmother would lean over and say "Hold your head up, girl. God is proud of you." It always did me good to hear it. Until, I over analyzed and wondered "Is He the only one?"
It has taken me years of painful self discovery to realize that I'm not all that special. That pride in myself is really something that I don't need. That I am nothing but for the grace of God. And while I don't always want to believe it simply because I am a prideful creature, it is enough that God is proud of me.
I have had to swallow my pride and ask my parents for money. That sucks. (Forgive me, but I just could not think of a better way to say it.) It has never been something I have wanted to do. My parents made it clear while I was growing up that they struggled all on their own, that they made do with what they had. And in not so many words "Don't come here looking for a handout." Imagine what fear I felt when I had to ask for gas money, for them to buy a box of diapers, or for them to pay for an oil change. I was paralyzed! And the answer was as if it were no big deal. In love, they have been giving more than I ever thought they would have to give. And while they haven't acted upset about helping us out, each time I spend hours weighing the need that I have. Is it really worth that inner turmoil when they are my parents? Not at all. Have I convinced myself of this fact? Not at all.
Everyday I am learning what a large sense of pride I have. Everyday I am learning that this trial has so many layers, and that God is using this to show me a part of myself of which I was not fully aware.
Does this mean that all pride is to be condemned? Most certainly not. Pride gets us up and showered and presentable and out to face the day. Be proud of your spouse and children. Tell them how proud you are and be specific in what it is about them that gives you pride. (If you can not say it, then write it, everyone needs to hear this from their family.) Be proud of your intelligence. If you feel you are not intelligent, then educate yourself. Find something that fascinates you and run with it! Be proud of your country. Regardless of its faults and governments this country is a fantastic place to live and you are beyond blessed to live here. (If you aren't proud, then please move.) Be proud to be in a position to help people. Regardless of how little you have, there is always someone with less. Be proud to be a child of God. If you aren't a child of God, seek Him out. There is no greater sense of pride than knowing you are the child of a King.
I say all of this not to ask for money or gift cards that some of you have sent. Believe me, I had to stomp all over my self worth to use those gifts. I am beyond appreciative, but I am not fishing.
I want you to think about yourself in my situation. Would you be too proud to ask for help? Would you drive down to DHS and ask for Government assistance? Would you be honest with your family, whether by DNA or blood of Christ, as to how you are struggling to fill your needs? Would you be honest with your children as to why so many extracurricular activities have gone by the wayside?
Sometimes the high and mighty feeling you have, that feeling that you don't need help, that "You Got This," sometimes your lack of willingness to be served, is crushing the spirit of those that love you. Sometimes God needs not only to show you how short sighted you have been in your own life, but also in the lives of others.
Maybe your pride isn't as strong as mine when asking for help. Maybe yours is about forgiveness you've been denying because you had the right to be upset. Maybe your pride is in your appearance and possessions. Maybe you put too much pride into your child and have made yourself too busy in their accomplishments to see others in need of an ego boost. It's possible your pride is your knowledge of and relationship with God, and you can't see those drowning for your own narrow mindedness of faith.
Do not be surprised when God answers a prayer with "I'm doing fabulous things, but your big head is in the way." Do not lose sight of the grace God has given us. Above all else we are called to be His.
I have a lot of work to do on this hubris. I am not going to do it by myself. In fact, mostly, I am going to pray that God continues to refine me. I am going to continue to have faith that He knows exactly what He is doing and that I need to focus on being used along the way and not being in the way.
If I fall, at least I know God has a destination planned for the landing. With Him, falling is just that. With Him, falling and failing are not one in the same.
