Note to self...

My friend and I (she shall remain nameless as to not incriminate her, but you know who you are) have a bit of a joke that skinny moms with it all together have ugly children. And while this isn't really true (since I have plenty of skinny friends with beautiful children) it sort of makes me feel better when I think this. It's cruel I know, because really all babies are precious and beautiful in their own way. But, it's a guilty pleasure and just a bit of an inside joke between two best friends that aren't skinny and have messy houses but most certainly have beautiful babies.



So that's my confession. I know it's strange to confess this, because in reality, everyone has this guilty pleasure. You may be skinny and rich but look at other women and think it would be nice to say what's on your mind so you make up something in your head to justify them having something you don't. You may have it all together, but feel a little trapped by your "obsessive compulsive" needs to have everything in its place. And you may be like me, everything is out of control and you feel overwhelmed by the peer pressure to get your crap together.



In my house, we have very little organization. It's a complicated balance of laundry, dishes, toys, books and general chaos. I have tried, believe me, I have tried to be organized. I really do hate that I don't have it all together. It is just against my nature to put things in place and to have a schedule. I have a lot of strong points, but labeling, categorizing, and structuring things are not among them. I feel the unspoken competition among my friends to join the club and have a clean house.



I go to one of my closest friend's houses and seriously nothing is out of place. The bathrooms are always clean, the carpet is always vacuumed and she has a bigger house, a nicer car and a better body than I do to boot. I leave feeling pretty low sometimes. But I know her well, and know that she doesn't keep her house this way just to make herself look superior. I know that it is just in her personality to keep things in order. I also know that while she has these strengths, she also has weaknesses. And while I don't see them on a consistent basis (she is my dear friend, I look and see the best in her because that's what friends do, see earlier post) I know she has them. I know because no one is perfect. I know because she tells me about them. I know because while she does seem to have it all together, she also has beautiful children.



So, I'm going to be myself. My messy, unorganized, crazy self. Will I freak out from time to time that DHS could shut me down any minute? Yes. Will I lose it on my children and husband to help me get this place in somewhat of respectable nature? Most definitely. But what I am going to strive to do is the laundry and the dishes and the other menial tasks that make up my day as best I know how. I will also read the huge ever growing stack of books. Step over the pile of towels on the floor. Ignore the several layers of dried toothpaste in the girls' bathroom. And most of all, embrace my inner self, invite my friends over and hold my head up high. Maybe I am overweight, have frizzy hair, live in a tiny house and never seem to have a clean pair of matching socks, but my children are beautiful. And so is my life.

You've got a Friend...

Isn't Toy Story a wonderful movie?  How many have cried at the end of Toy Story 3 when Andy chooses to leave his toys with the little girl?  It's me, the sentimental sap. There are a ton of themes to that series, but as the song suggests "You've Got a Friend in Me."  Seriously, you do.  Ok, maybe you don't know me and maybe if you do, I annoy you. How that could ever be the case I do not know, because I am just a constant joy to be around.

You know that friend that you've had since you were a kid? Maybe through school or church that no matter what happened in life, you always were connected.  That when everything else in you life was going to Hell in a hand basket, they were the constant, they were your compass to your true North.  Or that friend that you knew in High School that you liked but never really fused into true blue friends until later in life when it just seemed you couldn't go a few hours without having to tell them something.  Or those friends that you can be totally honest with, that you have no qualms telling them the awful truth about something you've done, or want to do.  I have these friends. I didn't always.

When I had my firstborn, Remle, we were blessed with a huge shower and tons of well wishers, but when it came to the birth and getting that projectile vomiting demon home, I didn't have many people outside of my husband and mother.  13 months later we brought our preemie, Daily, home and I was in much of the same situation.  Too far away from church to ever really be involved and too scared to get in the car and go anywhere with a 1 year old and a newborn. When we had Frankie though, my experience was so different. I had so many people surrounding me, begging to help.  It was wonderful!

I credit this difference to my relationship with God, my husband and my church family. No, not everyone I'm friends with goes to church with me (just 98% of them.)  But after finding my church home, I realized that I could ask God for friends.  It seems silly. I mean, seriously, how could a crazy, extrovert like me go for so long without friends?  It's simple now that I can look back. I wasn't in the right place, I wasn't searching for the right people.

Do I love my life?  Absolutely. Am I always saying that on here? Not so much. But be aware that before I type anything on here, I have vented to at least 3 of my closest friends.

If you're not sure what to look for, let me give you some pointers.  Find someone that will make you laugh. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Find someone that you feel you can be truthful with. This may take a little time since it can be difficult to trust, but start small and build from there.  Find someone that is your same body type.  If not for any other reason so that you can borrow clothes, but also so that you can identify with that person's self consciousness.  Find someone who is on the same sleep schedule as you.  If you're a night owl and want to get out of the house after 9 but all of your friends are asleep, you might end up on Peopleofwalmart.com because they weren't there to send you back in your house to change clothes.  And of course, find someone that is a gift from God.  Whether it be at your church or someone you reconnect with.  It could be that friend that you've always had, but never thought about truly embracing.  Whatever you do, get them.

Because one day your whole family will be sick and you'll need a friend to run to the drugstore for you.  Or you'll be in the hospital and your parents are out of town with your sick grandmother and you need someone to keep your 3 darling children. Or you'll be on the brink of killing your husband and need someone to call to tell you how bad prison food is. Or there will be a stupid movie you really want to see and need a friend to indulge you. Or you'll be in the shower and slip and fall and you'll need that friend who won't mind seeing you naked to come and help you up.  There is a common theme: Need. No man is an island. You can not go through life without good compadres.

All of that being said, be a great friend.  Don't let people down. Don't get upset when they put their family first. Don't be selfish with your time together.  Don't expect them to agree with you on everything. And if you do anything, DO be a friend that Jesus would want to have. Pray for your friends.  Because believe me, they need it, and so do you.

My Husband Won't read this....

So I don't have to worry about the things I say about him on here.  There are so many wonderful things to say about him.  Seriously.  But I won't be saying those today. 

As I sit here, I realize that I'm bitter and grouchy.  But what else is new?  You know how you start the day with a positive outlook, trying to smile and be sunshine and rainbows in your family's day.  And then around mid-morning you feel the crap sinking in. I mean c'mon, how hard is it to pick the towel up off the floor. Or put away the coffee creamer, especially when you were not just the last, but the only one to use it.  How much effort would it take to send a quick text or email saying how much you appreciate your stay at home slave. Oops, excuse me, stay at home domestic goddess.
Are ya feelin' me? (I could seriously go on for hours, and if you're my close friend, you can attest to that fact.)  And I also realize that the title of this blog is not "For you ungrateful slobs that I married and gave life to."  So, I digress.

Being a full time mother is a thankless job.  Those of you that get to leave the house, even if for only one day a week are so lucky.  But you probably feel differently, so I won't elaborate on how I crave my old desk and adult interaction for 8 consecutive hours.  What I will do is be thankful for my mother.  She did the same job when I was little. She cleaned, cooked, loved, punished, taught, directed, read, colored, laughed, cried and most of all, mothered.  I struggle to be thankful everyday that my husband works at a very stressful job so that I can stay home. I struggle to not be jealous of my friends that have it all together. I struggle (really struggle) to not be angry with my family for what seems like blatant disrespect for how hard it is to do this job. 

What I want to say, I would regret, because in the end, I love my family.  I know that I won't have them like this forever. I know that they are one day going to blame me for all the mistakes I made when I was just trying my best.  I know that I will want to take back every harsh correction and every angry word.  I know that I will wish that I could sit and read with them, play soccer with them, push them on the swing and lay in bed and talk about all the wonderful things in our life. I know that my clean house and laundry are minuscule in the grand scheme of things.  I know all of these things, but all of these things are sometimes necessary to be a good stay at home mom.  Sometimes I have to ignore my children so that I can get supper ready and fold the clothes.  Sometimes I have to fake it till I make it just so that I can sit in my closet and cry after everyone has gone to bed.  Sometimes I am so pulled in every direction that I want to run away.  Sometimes I panic thinking that my children will remember that I was angry, bitter, depressed and worst of all unloving.

I don't know how to fix the epidemic of the overflowing laundry or the less than award winning meals.  I don't know how to manage my time better so that my children are brilliant and well behaved and there is not a single speck of dust anywhere. I don't know how to be skinny, pretty and remember to smile and say a kind word even when I feel like saying something I dare not write on this post.  What is the answer?  What could the million dollar remedy be?

I will leave the prior question unanswered.  But I will ask you this. Are you feeling the pressure that society and undoubtedly our spouse and children put on us?  If your answer is yes (and let me help you... it is) then I challenge you to take a deep breath.  I challenge you to count to 7. I challenge you to compliment yourself on a job well done.  One day, they all will. One day they will understand that you gave up so much of yourself to be what they needed. One day, God will call you home and when you gaze upon His face, He will say "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Do all things to the glory of Him who saves you.


For the record, I know I've posted something similar to this in the past, but I needed to write it again.  It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :)

You are More

Ever wish you could change your personality?
Like that short lived sit-com "Samantha Who?"  Get hit by a car and go into a coma and wake up a week later with total amnesia. Start over, the lot of your past mistakes wiped clean. I used to want that every day of my life.
I was a survivor, though barely, of a painful divorce and had no direction. I looked to people I called my friends and they had some very shallow answers.  I tried to find a place in church and the people I connected with seemed to be floundering around in life just as I was. I was miserable. I had no future. I spent my nights out at the bar, sharing my bed with whomever was willing and sinking further into the pit of loneliness and despair.  In one of many arguments my mother asked "Have you no shame?" My response was to push my family further away.  But in truth, I had shame.  I was consumed in shame.
I had no idea how to get out of the depths I was in. I couldn't go back to my religious upbringing because I wasn't raised with that type of God. It wasn't my parents' fault, I had been piggybacking their faith all that time. I had met the Holy Spirit a few times while at youth events or in college. Yet those few meetings seemed grossly overshadowed by the horrible wrongs of my past and present.
So, I got married again. I involved my parents in my life again and tried to be faithful to the churchgoing person I used to be. I tried for a baby for over three agonizing years and during that time I begged and pleaded for God to grant my request. Not realizing that all this time, I was still in the bottom of that pit.  Had I changed my circumstances? Yes, absolutely. Had I changed my heart? Maybe fractionally, at least I was praying again. I was faithful to my husband and I put in my attendance at church. But the Spirit wasn't there.
Then I had a baby. Her name was Remle Anne and she was perfect. The best thing I had ever made. And at that moment of her birth, God changed my name.
It was a slow process. No one can change their personality. I was still the loud, obnoxious, outgoing, quick to anger, impulsive, loving, fun person that I had always been. But now I belonged to God. I had the burden in my heart to show my child what a woman of God should be. And I tried so hard to do so. I wasn't perfect. In my transformation, I left my husband behind. We grew further and further apart. I couldn't understand why he didn't see the better me. The new life I wanted for us and our now two children.
What separated us and then brought us back together was our new church. The church was full of imperfect people loving a perfect God. I jumped in with both feet. Bringing my husband and children in tow. Was there resistance at first? Yes, definitely. Did I forget to compromise and listen? Always. But God was changing me, over and over again. The Spirit was there, working in me and in my marriage. It took a few years to get us to a good place. We still have our struggles. But for the most part, we have learned to put God in the equation first.
My new theme song in Tenth Avenue North's "You are More"
The chorus is:

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Toby Mac sings a song "Lose My Soul"
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.

But Christ came in range, we said yes now we changed,
Not the same, even though I made a fall,
Since I got that call, no more Saul, now I'm Paul.

We sing a song in church "I Will Change Your Name"
‘I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid
I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.”

I relate to all of these words and so much more. Am I perfect? Never. Am I called to try to be like Jesus? Everyday. And everyday I fall short. But God has changed my name. I am no longer shameful, beat down, hopeless. Now, thanks to my Father, my King, my Savior, I am more. I am so much more.

What do you want your new name to be?