For my dearest

There is a pain so savage that a piece of your heart falls into the abyss never to return.  An affliction so terrible because it is not your own, yet your faith falters. Whether this is a new disappointment that is raw or an old wound punctured and left to bleed does not matter.  What you could only hope for is to give pieces of yourself to help. And since you know you cannot mend the pain, you lay yourself at the feet of Jesus.  You beg Him on behalf of the one you love.  You make compromises and pleas for their ravaged heart.  There is a pain so fierce that while you lay crying for their broken heart, you know that there is nothing that can be done.  There is no sadness like the one you are blanketed by when your friend mourns a piece of herself.  You can do nothing but sit by and hope that she does not follow her hopes and dreams into that tear filled grave.

Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever. ’”

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

The Thing Is...

I don't write this blog for you.

I only partially write this for myself.

The title of this blog should be an indication of its purpose.

I ask my mother all the time things about when I was young.  Did I do this?  Was I this crazy?  Did you ever feel like your life was spinning out of control?  And 99.9% of the time her answer is "I don't know, Brandy, I'm sure you did/you were/I did."  She can't remember!  And why should she?  I'm 32 years old and she's had a lot going on in that time.

I want to learn from the feeling I have every time I ask these questions.  I am a little disappointed.  I want to know that my girls are on the same path as I was at this point in life.  I want to have my feelings of complete inadequacy validated.  But her mind (nor mine) is not the World Wide Web.  Where nothing goes to die.

So, I put my thoughts and my musings here.  You may think I'm ridiculous. You are probably right.  But I want to be able to go back and remember what my state of mind was during these formative years of my "Mommy" career.  And I will probably call myself a fool in the future.  I will probably be embarrassed about a post or two. I will probably forbid my children to read it until they have children of their own.  Nevertheless, I will not apologize for being my original self. I will not beg your forgiveness for my diarrhea of the mouth as one of my English teachers so eloquently stated.  I want my children to know their mother. I want the version that they love be the true version.  I do not want to be tempted by naysayers to tarnish the person that I am, flaws and all. No censorship on this page.  B

I write this for my girls. My hope is that you find a way to immortalize yourself for your children.  I do caution you however, to be true and steadfast in your work.  The beauty of the person that God made is the evolution of our mind and soul.