You don't have to say it you know. I struggle with this daily and I wonder when in the world am I ever going to learn to think before I speak and better yet just keep silent. I have learned in the past year that just because it's true, doesn't mean you have to say it. Believe me, I am all about the truth. There was a time in my life that I wasn't but I'm making up for that now, trying to be a transparent person so that there's never any doubt about where I stand.
You may be wondering when these certain times are or why it is important to keep your fat mouth shut. Let me enlighten you with a few anecdotes to illustrate my point.
*Struggling with my 3 kids ages 5 and under out the door of church one day, someone remarked "You really have your hands full." And since I hate that remark and all things that blatantly state the obvious, I opened my mouth and said something comical right back. Laughing at myself and my frustrations in front of everyone, so they all would know that I am fully aware that I do not have it all together. And a person I value dearly said "This is the life you wanted." And while she knows that I don't hold it against her at all, it still sort of stings, doesn't it? Just because you wanted something, doesn't make it any more difficult to bear. Don't we as humans just love to tell someone "I told you so." It may very well be the truth, but don't say it. Saying those 4 little words isn't going to make that other person feel better. And if you are hoping to squish that person further down into their struggles, just say exactly that. So that they will then be aware that you are no friend of which to consort. No one needs to be reminded that what may be their biggest endeavor is kicking their ass. They are aware, don't state the obvious no matter how truthful.
*In a conversation with one of my closest friends I asked how her fertility battles (yes, when concerning fertility it's plural) were faring. She gave me a quick run down of the latest disappointments. I expressed how terrible I felt for her and that I was still praying for her. She (mother of 1 very dynamic 3 year old) said in automatic response "I am very blessed." Yes, she is. She has a nice home, a good job, a great family and a beautiful healthy child. But she still wants a baby. And when she talks about this, people sigh and pat her on the back and say "But you are so blessed." It's the absolute truth. What is also the truth is that those words don't make her feel even fractionally better. That just because she has 1 child doesn't mean that she shouldn't want 2 or 3 more. Do not let words slip past your lips that may ever make anyone feel that they aren't grateful for what they already have. Believe me, if you're talking to a mother, she is aware. She is acutely aware of the blessings that have been so richly bestowed upon her. She is not wrong for wanting more.
*A few weeks ago my husband and I were on our way home from a trip out of town. I love to take these opportunities to get to know each other better or to work out the kinks in our relationship. My husband does not. I always ask him questions trying to get him to open up about how he feels about our relationship, how I'm doing as a wife and mother, and what I can do to improve. I always do this, saying to myself, that whatever he says I will not cry or sulk and I will try to take his words as constructive criticism. This mantra rarely works. As he is telling me honestly what he wishes I were better at or how I could improve, I am seething in anger. I am thinking about all the times he has let me down, all the promises he hasn't kept and the things that he should be doing better. I open my mouth to shoot back these facts in rapid fire so that my shortcomings pale in light of his and I quickly shut it. Simply put, I asked his opinion of me. He never asked for me to give his job as a husband and father a performance review. And he most definitely didn't ask for me to bring up things of the past, things he had apologized for. For while those thoughts buzzing around in my mind were absolute truths, they would not have strengthened my relationship at all. If you can't find a way to present faults of someone that you love without voicing their attributes two fold, then don't. Does your side need to be heard? Absolutely. But if you are so busy thinking of the truths that apply to your spouse in a negative light, you can't possibly focus on a way to better yourself. Don't say hurtful truths on the defense. Don't bring up the truths of the past that are supposed to be buried and gone.
*"I'm praying for you." You may be praying for me and I sincerely hope that you are. I could use all the ear time with God as possible. In fact, I covet your prayers. But if in fact you aren't going to take a moment of your day to pray for me, then don't say it. Do not say it. No matter how at a loss for words you are or how well you mean, in that nanosecond before you blurt out that overused phrase you know that you won't pray for me, then don't say it.
And this one folks, is never true.
*My sister died when I was 11, in the fall of my 6th grade year. She was sick for 3 years and we knew the inevitable was just around the corner. I remember some awful things from the day she died and the days that follow. But probably the most terrible thing I remember is the day I returned to school. Everyone knew of course, and most just kept their distance. But one of my classmates came up to me and asked me some pretty graphic questions about my sister's death. I tried to answer and really just was overcome with emotion. It was at that point, seeing my grief, that this classmate said to me "I know exactly how you feel." And honestly, I was so flabbergasted. How could I have missed that I was in school with someone that had also lost her sister to rare adult form of leukemia? So, in earnest, I replied "Really, your sister died too?" And realization struck that girl and then myself as she said "Oh, no, I don't have a sister, I was just saying that." Imagine the anger I felt. Because the truth was she had no idea and never would. No one did and ever would. The truth is, no one, except our Heavenly Father above, knows just how you feel. So if you find yourself at a loss for what to say when tragedy hits, even if you have been in that exact same situation with the exact same circumstances, don't say it. "I know just how you feel" will want to pop out of that well meaning mouth of yours, don't do it. Look that person filled with grief in the eyes and say "I love you." Hug them, give them a simple nod, cry for their broken heart. But never say that you know their innermost feelings. It is truly impossible and it will do much more harm than good.
I am fully aware that this is the pot calling the kettle black. I would not have said it if it were not true...
