Update

So I have seriously been working on a post since the middle of March. I can't seem to get it right and I think that I'm entirely too emotional to get through it right now. That being said, I'll put it aside and focus on the lighter side of life.

The big thing that I recently did was leave my two children in the care of my two very capable aunts to go on a 4 day cruise with my sister and mother. Lydia and I bought the cruise for mom last October (her 50th birthday,) but we chose to go in April to give ourselves time to prepare. And by prepare I mean lose as much weight as possible.

So beginning in January (because why would you start before the holidays?) my mother and I went into Death Com 5 mode and lost as much weight as possible. I don't know how much she lost, she looks great though. I am proud to say that I lost 45lbs. I'm also ashamed to say that while I lost that much weight, I still need to lose more.



Needless to say, much fun was had by all. It was very difficult for me to leave my girls. A few weeks before the trip I told Remle that I was going on a big trip and she was going on a little trip. And every time her response was "But I want to go on the big trip with you!" It just about broke my heart. I was a bit grouchy the first little while, I really missed them. I needed the break, but I haven't been away from them for more than a few hours before.



We drove to Florence, AL to drop off the girls at my Aunt Susan's house. My grandmother lives there with her and my Aunt Nancy had come down to help with the babysitting. My Aunt has a nice place out in the country. There is a cute little dachshund and plenty of gravel and yard to play in. We loaded them up with groceries, clothes, toys, books, crafts, medicine, and of course the run down on the ins and outs of being Remle and Daily. After a couple of hours of getting them settled, we left for Auburn to spend the night at Lydia's. Mom and I had quite an adventure just making the 4 hour trip to Lyd's. When we arrived at Lydia's, we made her try on dresses and show us what she packed and ask Matt to go get us Sonic for dinner. We were already having fun.
The next morning we packed up and left for Mobile. We got to the cruise terminal and stood in various lines like cattle for what seemed like hours. Finally we were boarding the ship. Our room was fine, nothing fancy, I did have to sleep on the floor. Well, it was a cot on the floor. And we unpacked and readied ourselves for the emergency drill. We were a bit confused and had to be told to come out of the room and bring our life jackets. They kept talking about our muster stations, but we had no idea which one was ours. (We finally figured it out on the 3rd day of our 4 day cruise. It was clearly labeled on the inside of the closet we opened about 50 times a day in big bold letters.) We went to dinner dressed up every night. We took professional pictures at every photo stand they offered. We ate every meal in the dining room. We consumed unbelievable amounts of soft serve chocolate ice cream. It was available 24 hours a day! We danced, sang karaoke, went to shows and laid out in the sun. We did have a lot of fun.








I was not sad to come home, I was so ready to see my girls. We were back in Auburn by lunchtime and decided to do a little shopping and spend the night hanging out with Lydia and Matt.








The next morning Mom and I headed to Florence. I was so excited the closer we got!

The girls of course were huge. Daily had grown a whole size! Her feet were bigger and she was talking so much. Remle now has the worst country accent. Everything she says has an extra vowel or two in it.

My girls were glad to see me. But I think that they enjoyed their time away too. I hope that I give them their special time with and without me. I thought that I would have no problem dropping them off and leaving them. I thought that I would be so glad for a break and peace and quiet. But the truth is, I missed my chaos. Remle and Daily, no matter how wild they are, are such a gift. I'm proud I'm their mommy.



Remle is talking non stop and has learned so many new things. Everyday she is closer to spelling her own name. She loves being outside now that the weather is nice. And she loves to help with all of my household chores. She likes to sleep with a large blanket over her crib now. Her "tent" has to be just right. She still takes a pacifier when sleeping. And during the course of the day if she's quiet, I've learned that she just went to bed so that she can have some alone time with her pacis. Remle has a deep fascination with insects. She has been bitten several times (although, fingers crossed, not yet stung.) She loves to pick them up and let them crawl on her. I'm trying to let her do her thing to an degree. I'm glad she is in touch with the smallest of living things. We worked on potty training for a couple of weeks and pretty much were trained in the tee-tee department. But for whatever reason, she no longer wants to do it, so I didn't push it. Hopefully she'll change her mind soon, as this 2 year old wears 3 and 4t clothing and the biggest diapers (size 6) are starting to get tight. :)


Daily talks over Remle. Full conversations are had between these very good friends and terrible enemies. They love each other one minute and maim each other the next. Daily is my climber. It is not unusual to find her on top of the kitchen table, or trying to climb into Remle's bed. She does every big slide that her sister can do. She is full steam ahead all day long. She loves her babies. Her latest favorites have the silky hair like Barbie. She had her favorite that we called "yellow baby" that was so tattered that I went to find more. I found them on clearance and bought nine of the same type (Disney Soft and Sweet.) The Easter bunny also brought her a Tinkerbell that has seen some better days. She calls Remle "mimi" and spends plenty of time screaming at Mimi for something unforgivable I'm sure. Her hair is not curly like Remle's, it's growing out and is constantly in her eyes. She rips out whatever bow or elastic I put in to keep her visibility clear. I can't wait until it is long enough for a full ponytail or to stay behind her ears. She's a mommy's girl and I'm careful not to play favorites, but love that she wants to cuddle me.

As I have said before, I'm blessed. God knew I needed the break, but also knew I needed the insanity. It just wouldn't be perfect any other way.

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me...

As a foreword to this post, you must know I've been working on this for quite sometime. I have a compulsion to make all my writing perfect. And while they never really are, this one is more important than the rest. I've started and stopped due to denial, anger, bargaining and depression. The five stages of grief seemed to be relentless and I can not claim that I am close to the last stage of acceptance. I am a firm believer in Heaven and God and that those who go before us are the lucky ones. I desire to be in Heaven, I don't fear death for myself. I do not fear the "unknown." I have no reason not to believe what my Father, my Savior, has told me.

John 14:2

"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you."

My grandfather was a hard man. He saw a lot of things in his life to make him this way I guess. I never really understood this when I was a girl. I just knew that he could be hard and that I loved him something fierce. He was larger than life in my eyes. In his eyes, I imagine he was just doing the best he could.

Ray Lynwood Carpenter Sr. was the husband of Rose Denton Carpenter and the father of Ray Jr., Nancy, Frank, Floyd and Susan. And I being his 2nd granddaughter (daughter of his 2nd son, Frank) was in awe of him. There was a whole house of us. I'll give you the list, just to be clear. Ray Jr married Pat and they had Little Ray and Rachel. Little Ray married Mary and they had Ariyal. Rachel married Jeff and they had Gage and Layla. Nancy married John and they had John Raymond, Andy and Thomas. John Raymond married Susan and they had Ethan. Andy married Wendy and they had Eli. Thomas married Callie. Frank married Paula and they had Brandy (yours truly,) Lydia, and Hannah. Brandy married Ab and had Remle and Daily. Lydia married Matt. Floyd married Libby and they had Wyatt, Whit, and Kayla. Wyatt had Trip. Susan married Harold and they had Bethany, Emily, and Kathryn. Bethany married Matt. Emily married Jon. So that's 37 so far. That doesn't include some of the adopted members we had along the way, or the ex-husband (mine) or wives (Wyatt.) Or the ex-husband and wife (John Raymond and Susan) that both stayed and Susan now brings her significant other. Or the 2 sets of great aunts and uncles that had no children of their own, so we took them in. So you see, my grandfather, from now on referred to as "papaw," was not people poor. Although sometimes you knew he wished he were.

Now that we've covered his blood family (well the basic few,) you must know about the rest of his family. The family he had at the Reynolds plant that he worked at for most of his adult life. Or his church family at Florence Blvd. Church of Christ. And of course there was his World Bible School family. The people he'd never met, who were brought to Christ because of his tireless work.

Hopefully you're beginning to get a picture of Papaw. To know him was to love him, respect him, fear him, and adore him. He wasn't perfect and made no presumptions to be so.

He was a good carpenter. He could make anything out of wood and spent many hours "in underneath the floor" as mamaw would say. His shop was dusty and unorganized and his place to escape I'm sure. He would sit in his chair in the living room with one leg swung over the arm. He would say "come here and let me pull your grass." And even though you knew that meant pull your hair (and that it would hurt) you let him. He made you want to behave not only cause he knew how to wield the razor strap but because he just made you want to be better than you were. He was honest and a little prejudice at times. He was giving and loved getting gifts. He wanted you to bring him back something every time you headed to the store. He told me stories about my daddy and aunts and uncles. He told me stories about the war. (He was an MP in World War II) He loved good food. We kids and grandkids knew better than to sit in his chair. We knew that he had a drawer full of old undershirts that made great nightclothes. We knew he didn't care if we shot the neighbors chickens. I broke up with a boy once because he told me that listening to Papaw sing the songs at church made his ears hurt. He was my hero. We felt his love. You could say "I love you, Papaw." and the typical response would be "ok." His strength carried us all. He loved the Lord and believed in being good to people. And I can't remember him ever telling me that he didn't have time to do something I wanted. I can't remember him ever not being happy to see me or any of his kids or grandkids.

Papaw once took me to Cracker Barrel and asked a waiter there to sing him a song. Papaw requested "Danny Boy" and gave to boy 5$ when he was done. I later got him a cd that Johnny Cash had released, one of the last ones he ever recorded. We listened to "Danny Boy" together and now I can't hear it without being propelled back to that moment.

My grandfather had diabetes, emphysema, heart disease and other health problems. He lived a full life but hated being dependent on his children and wife. I once asked him why if he was in so much pain did he not lay down and die. He told me that he just was not ready and that God wasn't ready either.

Papaw became difficult to maneuver out of the house. He was in pain and very sick. He couldn't walk without assistance and he had to stop attending church. But even a week before his death, he was still working on World Bible School. He died on March 17th, 2008. It feels like it was this morning that I was breastfeeding Daily and got the call that he went to be with his Father. Finally he was with the sister I'd lost and the granddaughter he never got over losing. He is able to walk freely now and see the faces of those that became redeemed into Christ because of him.

Even so, with all of the glorious things and more I'm sure, I miss him terribly. It could be that he was our family's center and now we seem to be slipping away. Or that my mamaw isn't the same and seems to have given up on her earthly life without him. It could be jealousy that he is with my precious sister or the babies that were never fully given to me. Whatever it is, there is a hole. I feel strongly about grief. I feel that we all grieve over different losses in different ways. I know that I should live in his legacy. I'm trying so hard to still make him proud. I didn't know him well enough and there was never enough time. I didn't make time in the end. My girls will never know the papaw I had. Yet I know that their Poppy will be the same for them.

I am a Carpenter through and through. I find myself wishing I could call him and just say "hello." I don't want to throw away a single piece of wood he has touched. I don't want to forget anything about him. I loved him and always will.

...and all my dreams will warm and sweeter be. If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me, I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.