You don't have to say it you know. I struggle with this daily and I wonder when in the world am I ever going to learn to think before I speak and better yet just keep silent. I have learned in the past year that just because it's true, doesn't mean you have to say it. Believe me, I am all about the truth. There was a time in my life that I wasn't but I'm making up for that now, trying to be a transparent person so that there's never any doubt about where I stand.
You may be wondering when these certain times are or why it is important to keep your fat mouth shut. Let me enlighten you with a few anecdotes to illustrate my point.
*Struggling with my 3 kids ages 5 and under out the door of church one day, someone remarked "You really have your hands full." And since I hate that remark and all things that blatantly state the obvious, I opened my mouth and said something comical right back. Laughing at myself and my frustrations in front of everyone, so they all would know that I am fully aware that I do not have it all together. And a person I value dearly said "This is the life you wanted." And while she knows that I don't hold it against her at all, it still sort of stings, doesn't it? Just because you wanted something, doesn't make it any more difficult to bear. Don't we as humans just love to tell someone "I told you so." It may very well be the truth, but don't say it. Saying those 4 little words isn't going to make that other person feel better. And if you are hoping to squish that person further down into their struggles, just say exactly that. So that they will then be aware that you are no friend of which to consort. No one needs to be reminded that what may be their biggest endeavor is kicking their ass. They are aware, don't state the obvious no matter how truthful.
*In a conversation with one of my closest friends I asked how her fertility battles (yes, when concerning fertility it's plural) were faring. She gave me a quick run down of the latest disappointments. I expressed how terrible I felt for her and that I was still praying for her. She (mother of 1 very dynamic 3 year old) said in automatic response "I am very blessed." Yes, she is. She has a nice home, a good job, a great family and a beautiful healthy child. But she still wants a baby. And when she talks about this, people sigh and pat her on the back and say "But you are so blessed." It's the absolute truth. What is also the truth is that those words don't make her feel even fractionally better. That just because she has 1 child doesn't mean that she shouldn't want 2 or 3 more. Do not let words slip past your lips that may ever make anyone feel that they aren't grateful for what they already have. Believe me, if you're talking to a mother, she is aware. She is acutely aware of the blessings that have been so richly bestowed upon her. She is not wrong for wanting more.
*A few weeks ago my husband and I were on our way home from a trip out of town. I love to take these opportunities to get to know each other better or to work out the kinks in our relationship. My husband does not. I always ask him questions trying to get him to open up about how he feels about our relationship, how I'm doing as a wife and mother, and what I can do to improve. I always do this, saying to myself, that whatever he says I will not cry or sulk and I will try to take his words as constructive criticism. This mantra rarely works. As he is telling me honestly what he wishes I were better at or how I could improve, I am seething in anger. I am thinking about all the times he has let me down, all the promises he hasn't kept and the things that he should be doing better. I open my mouth to shoot back these facts in rapid fire so that my shortcomings pale in light of his and I quickly shut it. Simply put, I asked his opinion of me. He never asked for me to give his job as a husband and father a performance review. And he most definitely didn't ask for me to bring up things of the past, things he had apologized for. For while those thoughts buzzing around in my mind were absolute truths, they would not have strengthened my relationship at all. If you can't find a way to present faults of someone that you love without voicing their attributes two fold, then don't. Does your side need to be heard? Absolutely. But if you are so busy thinking of the truths that apply to your spouse in a negative light, you can't possibly focus on a way to better yourself. Don't say hurtful truths on the defense. Don't bring up the truths of the past that are supposed to be buried and gone.
*"I'm praying for you." You may be praying for me and I sincerely hope that you are. I could use all the ear time with God as possible. In fact, I covet your prayers. But if in fact you aren't going to take a moment of your day to pray for me, then don't say it. Do not say it. No matter how at a loss for words you are or how well you mean, in that nanosecond before you blurt out that overused phrase you know that you won't pray for me, then don't say it.
And this one folks, is never true.
*My sister died when I was 11, in the fall of my 6th grade year. She was sick for 3 years and we knew the inevitable was just around the corner. I remember some awful things from the day she died and the days that follow. But probably the most terrible thing I remember is the day I returned to school. Everyone knew of course, and most just kept their distance. But one of my classmates came up to me and asked me some pretty graphic questions about my sister's death. I tried to answer and really just was overcome with emotion. It was at that point, seeing my grief, that this classmate said to me "I know exactly how you feel." And honestly, I was so flabbergasted. How could I have missed that I was in school with someone that had also lost her sister to rare adult form of leukemia? So, in earnest, I replied "Really, your sister died too?" And realization struck that girl and then myself as she said "Oh, no, I don't have a sister, I was just saying that." Imagine the anger I felt. Because the truth was she had no idea and never would. No one did and ever would. The truth is, no one, except our Heavenly Father above, knows just how you feel. So if you find yourself at a loss for what to say when tragedy hits, even if you have been in that exact same situation with the exact same circumstances, don't say it. "I know just how you feel" will want to pop out of that well meaning mouth of yours, don't do it. Look that person filled with grief in the eyes and say "I love you." Hug them, give them a simple nod, cry for their broken heart. But never say that you know their innermost feelings. It is truly impossible and it will do much more harm than good.
I am fully aware that this is the pot calling the kettle black. I would not have said it if it were not true...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? Job 2:10
Overworked, Overdrawn, Overextended and so Over It...
Ever feel this way? If you are a friend of mine then you know my family has been experiencing some turmoil in the past month. While we knew it was coming, it was still difficult news when my husband was let go from a job that he had worked very hard at for the past 11 years. A promise was not kept and a relationship was broken.
That being said, things have been very difficult around here. Financially, emotionally and unfortunately sometimes spiritually.
I overdrew my account to put gas in my car so that we could go to Church. How pathetic is that? You want to say "I'm working to serve you faithfully, God, but yet you aren't blessing us." When in fact that simply is not true. Yes, I have an overdrawn account and am behind on bills and feel like my husband may never find a job that will help us get ahead, much less make ends meet. But the truth of the matter is, that I am blessed beyond mesure. Overdrawn account? At least I had money to put in the account at the beginning of the week. At least I have a vehicle to drive, and a very nice one at that. But the most important thing to be thankful for is that I have the freedom to worship God in a wonderful atmosphere with an amazing congregation of the people of God.
I don't know why this is happening to us. Yes, I have moments of panic and am very scared at times. I want the Lord to give us a job that he knows is best for our family. But waiting on the Lord is very difficult. And then I look around at the messy little house and realize how much he continues to bless me. My goodness, I have so much stuff that I have run out of room to put it all! And not just the stuff, but the healthy beautiful girls that He has given me. And although we are struggling with unemployment, we have had some much needed family time. The truth is I am not at the mercy of the individual that decided to let my husband go. I am not even at the mercy of Satan who tempts me every day to curse God and ask him why he isn't blessing us more. I am at the mercy of the Almighty, who is doing and will continue to do wonderful things in my life.
When I am honest with myself, I see how unworthy I am and how ungrateful I can be. God has chosen to humble me, to break me of some bad habits and to test my faith. Those are some very difficult pills to swallow. But the amazing thing about that statement is, that He has chosen me. I can only hope and pray that I will not fail Him, that I will be a light, a beacon of His discipline, His love, His blessings and most importantly, His grace.
Challenge yourself to praise him in the good and trouble. You will not always be successful. But our Creator knows us better than we know ourselves, be prepared for amazing things when you put your faith in him.
Ever feel this way? If you are a friend of mine then you know my family has been experiencing some turmoil in the past month. While we knew it was coming, it was still difficult news when my husband was let go from a job that he had worked very hard at for the past 11 years. A promise was not kept and a relationship was broken.
That being said, things have been very difficult around here. Financially, emotionally and unfortunately sometimes spiritually.
I overdrew my account to put gas in my car so that we could go to Church. How pathetic is that? You want to say "I'm working to serve you faithfully, God, but yet you aren't blessing us." When in fact that simply is not true. Yes, I have an overdrawn account and am behind on bills and feel like my husband may never find a job that will help us get ahead, much less make ends meet. But the truth of the matter is, that I am blessed beyond mesure. Overdrawn account? At least I had money to put in the account at the beginning of the week. At least I have a vehicle to drive, and a very nice one at that. But the most important thing to be thankful for is that I have the freedom to worship God in a wonderful atmosphere with an amazing congregation of the people of God.
I don't know why this is happening to us. Yes, I have moments of panic and am very scared at times. I want the Lord to give us a job that he knows is best for our family. But waiting on the Lord is very difficult. And then I look around at the messy little house and realize how much he continues to bless me. My goodness, I have so much stuff that I have run out of room to put it all! And not just the stuff, but the healthy beautiful girls that He has given me. And although we are struggling with unemployment, we have had some much needed family time. The truth is I am not at the mercy of the individual that decided to let my husband go. I am not even at the mercy of Satan who tempts me every day to curse God and ask him why he isn't blessing us more. I am at the mercy of the Almighty, who is doing and will continue to do wonderful things in my life.
When I am honest with myself, I see how unworthy I am and how ungrateful I can be. God has chosen to humble me, to break me of some bad habits and to test my faith. Those are some very difficult pills to swallow. But the amazing thing about that statement is, that He has chosen me. I can only hope and pray that I will not fail Him, that I will be a light, a beacon of His discipline, His love, His blessings and most importantly, His grace.
Challenge yourself to praise him in the good and trouble. You will not always be successful. But our Creator knows us better than we know ourselves, be prepared for amazing things when you put your faith in him.
Proverbs 3
Proverbs 3
Wisdom Bestows Well-Being
1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.
3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
So I have a huge "to do" list
Let's face it, who doesn't? Mine is so long, I about cry everytime I look at it. So I thought I would break up my day by enjoying a little Pinterest surfing (setting a timer for 25 minutes so I know how long I've actually been on) while the baby is sleeping and the big girls are involved with destroying whatever it is that I've just cleaned.
I have a lot of new things I want to try and Pinterest is great for that.
I found a blog that is committed to homemade products and I look at them and think "I could definitely do this." So I'm going to try to be a homemade mama on a few things this year.
I will also say that I am trying to get up earlier now. Not just on the days that the girls have preschool. I want this time to focus on some light housekeeping and laundry, and of course coffee consumption. If I can get 2 loads done before the girls wake up, I won't feel so overwhelmed by it during the day when I should be doing my primary job of mothering. I am trying to encourage my husband to do the same so that maybe he can help with a bit of the work and I can have the feeling of teamwork that I so desparately want for our marriage.
That being said, I have to go load the dishwasher and prepare the daily art project (more on that later.)
Check out this blog! You may think I'm crazy (it's been proven that I really am anyway) but I find it very cool!
Home Made Mamas
Happy Making!
I have a lot of new things I want to try and Pinterest is great for that.
I found a blog that is committed to homemade products and I look at them and think "I could definitely do this." So I'm going to try to be a homemade mama on a few things this year.
I will also say that I am trying to get up earlier now. Not just on the days that the girls have preschool. I want this time to focus on some light housekeeping and laundry, and of course coffee consumption. If I can get 2 loads done before the girls wake up, I won't feel so overwhelmed by it during the day when I should be doing my primary job of mothering. I am trying to encourage my husband to do the same so that maybe he can help with a bit of the work and I can have the feeling of teamwork that I so desparately want for our marriage.
That being said, I have to go load the dishwasher and prepare the daily art project (more on that later.)
Check out this blog! You may think I'm crazy (it's been proven that I really am anyway) but I find it very cool!
Home Made Mamas
Happy Making!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Note to self...
My friend and I (she shall remain nameless as to not incriminate her, but you know who you are) have a bit of a joke that skinny moms with it all together have ugly children. And while this isn't really true (since I have plenty of skinny friends with beautiful children) it sort of makes me feel better when I think this. It's cruel I know, because really all babies are precious and beautiful in their own way. But, it's a guilty pleasure and just a bit of an inside joke between two best friends that aren't skinny and have messy houses but most certainly have beautiful babies.
So that's my confession. I know it's strange to confess this, because in reality, everyone has this guilty pleasure. You may be skinny and rich but look at other women and think it would be nice to say what's on your mind so you make up something in your head to justify them having something you don't. You may have it all together, but feel a little trapped by your "obsessive compulsive" needs to have everything in its place. And you may be like me, everything is out of control and you feel overwhelmed by the peer pressure to get your crap together.
In my house, we have very little organization. It's a complicated balance of laundry, dishes, toys, books and general chaos. I have tried, believe me, I have tried to be organized. I really do hate that I don't have it all together. It is just against my nature to put things in place and to have a schedule. I have a lot of strong points, but labeling, categorizing, and structuring things are not among them. I feel the unspoken competition among my friends to join the club and have a clean house.
I go to one of my closest friend's houses and seriously nothing is out of place. The bathrooms are always clean, the carpet is always vacuumed and she has a bigger house, a nicer car and a better body than I do to boot. I leave feeling pretty low sometimes. But I know her well, and know that she doesn't keep her house this way just to make herself look superior. I know that it is just in her personality to keep things in order. I also know that while she has these strengths, she also has weaknesses. And while I don't see them on a consistent basis (she is my dear friend, I look and see the best in her because that's what friends do, see earlier post) I know she has them. I know because no one is perfect. I know because she tells me about them. I know because while she does seem to have it all together, she also has beautiful children.
So, I'm going to be myself. My messy, unorganized, crazy self. Will I freak out from time to time that DHS could shut me down any minute? Yes. Will I lose it on my children and husband to help me get this place in somewhat of respectable nature? Most definitely. But what I am going to strive to do is the laundry and the dishes and the other menial tasks that make up my day as best I know how. I will also read the huge ever growing stack of books. Step over the pile of towels on the floor. Ignore the several layers of dried toothpaste in the girls' bathroom. And most of all, embrace my inner self, invite my friends over and hold my head up high. Maybe I am overweight, have frizzy hair, live in a tiny house and never seem to have a clean pair of matching socks, but my children are beautiful. And so is my life.
So that's my confession. I know it's strange to confess this, because in reality, everyone has this guilty pleasure. You may be skinny and rich but look at other women and think it would be nice to say what's on your mind so you make up something in your head to justify them having something you don't. You may have it all together, but feel a little trapped by your "obsessive compulsive" needs to have everything in its place. And you may be like me, everything is out of control and you feel overwhelmed by the peer pressure to get your crap together.
In my house, we have very little organization. It's a complicated balance of laundry, dishes, toys, books and general chaos. I have tried, believe me, I have tried to be organized. I really do hate that I don't have it all together. It is just against my nature to put things in place and to have a schedule. I have a lot of strong points, but labeling, categorizing, and structuring things are not among them. I feel the unspoken competition among my friends to join the club and have a clean house.
I go to one of my closest friend's houses and seriously nothing is out of place. The bathrooms are always clean, the carpet is always vacuumed and she has a bigger house, a nicer car and a better body than I do to boot. I leave feeling pretty low sometimes. But I know her well, and know that she doesn't keep her house this way just to make herself look superior. I know that it is just in her personality to keep things in order. I also know that while she has these strengths, she also has weaknesses. And while I don't see them on a consistent basis (she is my dear friend, I look and see the best in her because that's what friends do, see earlier post) I know she has them. I know because no one is perfect. I know because she tells me about them. I know because while she does seem to have it all together, she also has beautiful children.
So, I'm going to be myself. My messy, unorganized, crazy self. Will I freak out from time to time that DHS could shut me down any minute? Yes. Will I lose it on my children and husband to help me get this place in somewhat of respectable nature? Most definitely. But what I am going to strive to do is the laundry and the dishes and the other menial tasks that make up my day as best I know how. I will also read the huge ever growing stack of books. Step over the pile of towels on the floor. Ignore the several layers of dried toothpaste in the girls' bathroom. And most of all, embrace my inner self, invite my friends over and hold my head up high. Maybe I am overweight, have frizzy hair, live in a tiny house and never seem to have a clean pair of matching socks, but my children are beautiful. And so is my life.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
You've got a Friend...
Isn't Toy Story a wonderful movie? How many have cried at the end of Toy Story 3 when Andy chooses to leave his toys with the little girl? It's me, the sentimental sap. There are a ton of themes to that series, but as the song suggests "You've Got a Friend in Me." Seriously, you do. Ok, maybe you don't know me and maybe if you do, I annoy you. How that could ever be the case I do not know, because I am just a constant joy to be around.
You know that friend that you've had since you were a kid? Maybe through school or church that no matter what happened in life, you always were connected. That when everything else in you life was going to Hell in a hand basket, they were the constant, they were your compass to your true North. Or that friend that you knew in High School that you liked but never really fused into true blue friends until later in life when it just seemed you couldn't go a few hours without having to tell them something. Or those friends that you can be totally honest with, that you have no qualms telling them the awful truth about something you've done, or want to do. I have these friends. I didn't always.
When I had my firstborn, Remle, we were blessed with a huge shower and tons of well wishers, but when it came to the birth and getting that projectile vomiting demon home, I didn't have many people outside of my husband and mother. 13 months later we brought our preemie, Daily, home and I was in much of the same situation. Too far away from church to ever really be involved and too scared to get in the car and go anywhere with a 1 year old and a newborn. When we had Frankie though, my experience was so different. I had so many people surrounding me, begging to help. It was wonderful!
I credit this difference to my relationship with God, my husband and my church family. No, not everyone I'm friends with goes to church with me (just 98% of them.) But after finding my church home, I realized that I could ask God for friends. It seems silly. I mean, seriously, how could a crazy, extrovert like me go for so long without friends? It's simple now that I can look back. I wasn't in the right place, I wasn't searching for the right people.
Do I love my life? Absolutely. Am I always saying that on here? Not so much. But be aware that before I type anything on here, I have vented to at least 3 of my closest friends.
If you're not sure what to look for, let me give you some pointers. Find someone that will make you laugh. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Find someone that you feel you can be truthful with. This may take a little time since it can be difficult to trust, but start small and build from there. Find someone that is your same body type. If not for any other reason so that you can borrow clothes, but also so that you can identify with that person's self consciousness. Find someone who is on the same sleep schedule as you. If you're a night owl and want to get out of the house after 9 but all of your friends are asleep, you might end up on Peopleofwalmart.com because they weren't there to send you back in your house to change clothes. And of course, find someone that is a gift from God. Whether it be at your church or someone you reconnect with. It could be that friend that you've always had, but never thought about truly embracing. Whatever you do, get them.
Because one day your whole family will be sick and you'll need a friend to run to the drugstore for you. Or you'll be in the hospital and your parents are out of town with your sick grandmother and you need someone to keep your 3 darling children. Or you'll be on the brink of killing your husband and need someone to call to tell you how bad prison food is. Or there will be a stupid movie you really want to see and need a friend to indulge you. Or you'll be in the shower and slip and fall and you'll need that friend who won't mind seeing you naked to come and help you up. There is a common theme: Need. No man is an island. You can not go through life without good compadres.
All of that being said, be a great friend. Don't let people down. Don't get upset when they put their family first. Don't be selfish with your time together. Don't expect them to agree with you on everything. And if you do anything, DO be a friend that Jesus would want to have. Pray for your friends. Because believe me, they need it, and so do you.
You know that friend that you've had since you were a kid? Maybe through school or church that no matter what happened in life, you always were connected. That when everything else in you life was going to Hell in a hand basket, they were the constant, they were your compass to your true North. Or that friend that you knew in High School that you liked but never really fused into true blue friends until later in life when it just seemed you couldn't go a few hours without having to tell them something. Or those friends that you can be totally honest with, that you have no qualms telling them the awful truth about something you've done, or want to do. I have these friends. I didn't always.
When I had my firstborn, Remle, we were blessed with a huge shower and tons of well wishers, but when it came to the birth and getting that projectile vomiting demon home, I didn't have many people outside of my husband and mother. 13 months later we brought our preemie, Daily, home and I was in much of the same situation. Too far away from church to ever really be involved and too scared to get in the car and go anywhere with a 1 year old and a newborn. When we had Frankie though, my experience was so different. I had so many people surrounding me, begging to help. It was wonderful!
I credit this difference to my relationship with God, my husband and my church family. No, not everyone I'm friends with goes to church with me (just 98% of them.) But after finding my church home, I realized that I could ask God for friends. It seems silly. I mean, seriously, how could a crazy, extrovert like me go for so long without friends? It's simple now that I can look back. I wasn't in the right place, I wasn't searching for the right people.
Do I love my life? Absolutely. Am I always saying that on here? Not so much. But be aware that before I type anything on here, I have vented to at least 3 of my closest friends.
If you're not sure what to look for, let me give you some pointers. Find someone that will make you laugh. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Find someone that you feel you can be truthful with. This may take a little time since it can be difficult to trust, but start small and build from there. Find someone that is your same body type. If not for any other reason so that you can borrow clothes, but also so that you can identify with that person's self consciousness. Find someone who is on the same sleep schedule as you. If you're a night owl and want to get out of the house after 9 but all of your friends are asleep, you might end up on Peopleofwalmart.com because they weren't there to send you back in your house to change clothes. And of course, find someone that is a gift from God. Whether it be at your church or someone you reconnect with. It could be that friend that you've always had, but never thought about truly embracing. Whatever you do, get them.
Because one day your whole family will be sick and you'll need a friend to run to the drugstore for you. Or you'll be in the hospital and your parents are out of town with your sick grandmother and you need someone to keep your 3 darling children. Or you'll be on the brink of killing your husband and need someone to call to tell you how bad prison food is. Or there will be a stupid movie you really want to see and need a friend to indulge you. Or you'll be in the shower and slip and fall and you'll need that friend who won't mind seeing you naked to come and help you up. There is a common theme: Need. No man is an island. You can not go through life without good compadres.
All of that being said, be a great friend. Don't let people down. Don't get upset when they put their family first. Don't be selfish with your time together. Don't expect them to agree with you on everything. And if you do anything, DO be a friend that Jesus would want to have. Pray for your friends. Because believe me, they need it, and so do you.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
My Husband Won't read this....
So I don't have to worry about the things I say about him on here. There are so many wonderful things to say about him. Seriously. But I won't be saying those today.
As I sit here, I realize that I'm bitter and grouchy. But what else is new? You know how you start the day with a positive outlook, trying to smile and be sunshine and rainbows in your family's day. And then around mid-morning you feel the crap sinking in. I mean c'mon, how hard is it to pick the towel up off the floor. Or put away the coffee creamer, especially when you were not just the last, but the only one to use it. How much effort would it take to send a quick text or email saying how much you appreciate your stay at home slave. Oops, excuse me, stay at home domestic goddess.
Are ya feelin' me? (I could seriously go on for hours, and if you're my close friend, you can attest to that fact.) And I also realize that the title of this blog is not "For you ungrateful slobs that I married and gave life to." So, I digress.
Being a full time mother is a thankless job. Those of you that get to leave the house, even if for only one day a week are so lucky. But you probably feel differently, so I won't elaborate on how I crave my old desk and adult interaction for 8 consecutive hours. What I will do is be thankful for my mother. She did the same job when I was little. She cleaned, cooked, loved, punished, taught, directed, read, colored, laughed, cried and most of all, mothered. I struggle to be thankful everyday that my husband works at a very stressful job so that I can stay home. I struggle to not be jealous of my friends that have it all together. I struggle (really struggle) to not be angry with my family for what seems like blatant disrespect for how hard it is to do this job.
What I want to say, I would regret, because in the end, I love my family. I know that I won't have them like this forever. I know that they are one day going to blame me for all the mistakes I made when I was just trying my best. I know that I will want to take back every harsh correction and every angry word. I know that I will wish that I could sit and read with them, play soccer with them, push them on the swing and lay in bed and talk about all the wonderful things in our life. I know that my clean house and laundry are minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I know all of these things, but all of these things are sometimes necessary to be a good stay at home mom. Sometimes I have to ignore my children so that I can get supper ready and fold the clothes. Sometimes I have to fake it till I make it just so that I can sit in my closet and cry after everyone has gone to bed. Sometimes I am so pulled in every direction that I want to run away. Sometimes I panic thinking that my children will remember that I was angry, bitter, depressed and worst of all unloving.
I don't know how to fix the epidemic of the overflowing laundry or the less than award winning meals. I don't know how to manage my time better so that my children are brilliant and well behaved and there is not a single speck of dust anywhere. I don't know how to be skinny, pretty and remember to smile and say a kind word even when I feel like saying something I dare not write on this post. What is the answer? What could the million dollar remedy be?
I will leave the prior question unanswered. But I will ask you this. Are you feeling the pressure that society and undoubtedly our spouse and children put on us? If your answer is yes (and let me help you... it is) then I challenge you to take a deep breath. I challenge you to count to 7. I challenge you to compliment yourself on a job well done. One day, they all will. One day they will understand that you gave up so much of yourself to be what they needed. One day, God will call you home and when you gaze upon His face, He will say "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Do all things to the glory of Him who saves you.
For the record, I know I've posted something similar to this in the past, but I needed to write it again. It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :)
As I sit here, I realize that I'm bitter and grouchy. But what else is new? You know how you start the day with a positive outlook, trying to smile and be sunshine and rainbows in your family's day. And then around mid-morning you feel the crap sinking in. I mean c'mon, how hard is it to pick the towel up off the floor. Or put away the coffee creamer, especially when you were not just the last, but the only one to use it. How much effort would it take to send a quick text or email saying how much you appreciate your stay at home slave. Oops, excuse me, stay at home domestic goddess.
Are ya feelin' me? (I could seriously go on for hours, and if you're my close friend, you can attest to that fact.) And I also realize that the title of this blog is not "For you ungrateful slobs that I married and gave life to." So, I digress.
Being a full time mother is a thankless job. Those of you that get to leave the house, even if for only one day a week are so lucky. But you probably feel differently, so I won't elaborate on how I crave my old desk and adult interaction for 8 consecutive hours. What I will do is be thankful for my mother. She did the same job when I was little. She cleaned, cooked, loved, punished, taught, directed, read, colored, laughed, cried and most of all, mothered. I struggle to be thankful everyday that my husband works at a very stressful job so that I can stay home. I struggle to not be jealous of my friends that have it all together. I struggle (really struggle) to not be angry with my family for what seems like blatant disrespect for how hard it is to do this job.
What I want to say, I would regret, because in the end, I love my family. I know that I won't have them like this forever. I know that they are one day going to blame me for all the mistakes I made when I was just trying my best. I know that I will want to take back every harsh correction and every angry word. I know that I will wish that I could sit and read with them, play soccer with them, push them on the swing and lay in bed and talk about all the wonderful things in our life. I know that my clean house and laundry are minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I know all of these things, but all of these things are sometimes necessary to be a good stay at home mom. Sometimes I have to ignore my children so that I can get supper ready and fold the clothes. Sometimes I have to fake it till I make it just so that I can sit in my closet and cry after everyone has gone to bed. Sometimes I am so pulled in every direction that I want to run away. Sometimes I panic thinking that my children will remember that I was angry, bitter, depressed and worst of all unloving.
I don't know how to fix the epidemic of the overflowing laundry or the less than award winning meals. I don't know how to manage my time better so that my children are brilliant and well behaved and there is not a single speck of dust anywhere. I don't know how to be skinny, pretty and remember to smile and say a kind word even when I feel like saying something I dare not write on this post. What is the answer? What could the million dollar remedy be?
I will leave the prior question unanswered. But I will ask you this. Are you feeling the pressure that society and undoubtedly our spouse and children put on us? If your answer is yes (and let me help you... it is) then I challenge you to take a deep breath. I challenge you to count to 7. I challenge you to compliment yourself on a job well done. One day, they all will. One day they will understand that you gave up so much of yourself to be what they needed. One day, God will call you home and when you gaze upon His face, He will say "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Do all things to the glory of Him who saves you.
For the record, I know I've posted something similar to this in the past, but I needed to write it again. It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
You are More
Ever wish you could change your personality?
Like that short lived sit-com "Samantha Who?" Get hit by a car and go into a coma and wake up a week later with total amnesia. Start over, the lot of your past mistakes wiped clean. I used to want that every day of my life.
I was a survivor, though barely, of a painful divorce and had no direction. I looked to people I called my friends and they had some very shallow answers. I tried to find a place in church and the people I connected with seemed to be floundering around in life just as I was. I was miserable. I had no future. I spent my nights out at the bar, sharing my bed with whomever was willing and sinking further into the pit of loneliness and despair. In one of many arguments my mother asked "Have you no shame?" My response was to push my family further away. But in truth, I had shame. I was consumed in shame.
I had no idea how to get out of the depths I was in. I couldn't go back to my religious upbringing because I wasn't raised with that type of God. It wasn't my parents' fault, I had been piggybacking their faith all that time. I had met the Holy Spirit a few times while at youth events or in college. Yet those few meetings seemed grossly overshadowed by the horrible wrongs of my past and present.
So, I got married again. I involved my parents in my life again and tried to be faithful to the churchgoing person I used to be. I tried for a baby for over three agonizing years and during that time I begged and pleaded for God to grant my request. Not realizing that all this time, I was still in the bottom of that pit. Had I changed my circumstances? Yes, absolutely. Had I changed my heart? Maybe fractionally, at least I was praying again. I was faithful to my husband and I put in my attendance at church. But the Spirit wasn't there.
Then I had a baby. Her name was Remle Anne and she was perfect. The best thing I had ever made. And at that moment of her birth, God changed my name.
It was a slow process. No one can change their personality. I was still the loud, obnoxious, outgoing, quick to anger, impulsive, loving, fun person that I had always been. But now I belonged to God. I had the burden in my heart to show my child what a woman of God should be. And I tried so hard to do so. I wasn't perfect. In my transformation, I left my husband behind. We grew further and further apart. I couldn't understand why he didn't see the better me. The new life I wanted for us and our now two children.
What separated us and then brought us back together was our new church. The church was full of imperfect people loving a perfect God. I jumped in with both feet. Bringing my husband and children in tow. Was there resistance at first? Yes, definitely. Did I forget to compromise and listen? Always. But God was changing me, over and over again. The Spirit was there, working in me and in my marriage. It took a few years to get us to a good place. We still have our struggles. But for the most part, we have learned to put God in the equation first.
My new theme song in Tenth Avenue North's "You are More"
The chorus is:
Toby Mac sings a song "Lose My Soul"
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
But Christ came in range, we said yes now we changed,
Not the same, even though I made a fall,
Since I got that call, no more Saul, now I'm Paul.
We sing a song in church "I Will Change Your Name"
‘I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid
I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.”
I relate to all of these words and so much more. Am I perfect? Never. Am I called to try to be like Jesus? Everyday. And everyday I fall short. But God has changed my name. I am no longer shameful, beat down, hopeless. Now, thanks to my Father, my King, my Savior, I am more. I am so much more.
What do you want your new name to be?
Like that short lived sit-com "Samantha Who?" Get hit by a car and go into a coma and wake up a week later with total amnesia. Start over, the lot of your past mistakes wiped clean. I used to want that every day of my life.
I was a survivor, though barely, of a painful divorce and had no direction. I looked to people I called my friends and they had some very shallow answers. I tried to find a place in church and the people I connected with seemed to be floundering around in life just as I was. I was miserable. I had no future. I spent my nights out at the bar, sharing my bed with whomever was willing and sinking further into the pit of loneliness and despair. In one of many arguments my mother asked "Have you no shame?" My response was to push my family further away. But in truth, I had shame. I was consumed in shame.
I had no idea how to get out of the depths I was in. I couldn't go back to my religious upbringing because I wasn't raised with that type of God. It wasn't my parents' fault, I had been piggybacking their faith all that time. I had met the Holy Spirit a few times while at youth events or in college. Yet those few meetings seemed grossly overshadowed by the horrible wrongs of my past and present.
So, I got married again. I involved my parents in my life again and tried to be faithful to the churchgoing person I used to be. I tried for a baby for over three agonizing years and during that time I begged and pleaded for God to grant my request. Not realizing that all this time, I was still in the bottom of that pit. Had I changed my circumstances? Yes, absolutely. Had I changed my heart? Maybe fractionally, at least I was praying again. I was faithful to my husband and I put in my attendance at church. But the Spirit wasn't there.
Then I had a baby. Her name was Remle Anne and she was perfect. The best thing I had ever made. And at that moment of her birth, God changed my name.
It was a slow process. No one can change their personality. I was still the loud, obnoxious, outgoing, quick to anger, impulsive, loving, fun person that I had always been. But now I belonged to God. I had the burden in my heart to show my child what a woman of God should be. And I tried so hard to do so. I wasn't perfect. In my transformation, I left my husband behind. We grew further and further apart. I couldn't understand why he didn't see the better me. The new life I wanted for us and our now two children.
What separated us and then brought us back together was our new church. The church was full of imperfect people loving a perfect God. I jumped in with both feet. Bringing my husband and children in tow. Was there resistance at first? Yes, definitely. Did I forget to compromise and listen? Always. But God was changing me, over and over again. The Spirit was there, working in me and in my marriage. It took a few years to get us to a good place. We still have our struggles. But for the most part, we have learned to put God in the equation first.
My new theme song in Tenth Avenue North's "You are More"
The chorus is:
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Toby Mac sings a song "Lose My Soul"
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
But Christ came in range, we said yes now we changed,
Not the same, even though I made a fall,
Since I got that call, no more Saul, now I'm Paul.
We sing a song in church "I Will Change Your Name"
‘I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid
I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.”
I relate to all of these words and so much more. Am I perfect? Never. Am I called to try to be like Jesus? Everyday. And everyday I fall short. But God has changed my name. I am no longer shameful, beat down, hopeless. Now, thanks to my Father, my King, my Savior, I am more. I am so much more.
What do you want your new name to be?
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