My Favorite

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I do love Christmas and Mother's Day. But for whatever reason it has been my favorite for a while. I've even been dumped on Valentine's Day. I've spent several alone (I know, if you know me-that's difficult to believe.)
I think it's my favorite because it doesn't celebrate anything else other than love. And I'm not sure if the holiday was meant to be reserved for those you have a romantic love for, but I don't care. I like to think Valentine's Day is meant for all of those you love.
I'm a lover. I always have been. I have a really short fuse. My temper is awful. Yet as quickly as I am angered is as quickly as it is gone. I rarely hold grudges. I rarely yell. Most times that's a good thing, but sometimes I wish I were better at sticking up for myself.
Anyway, back to the love. In honor of this special day I thought I would try to list some of the things that I truly love. Some of them are people, some are inanimate objects, some are memories, and some are dreams. I have no idea of whether or not this will interest you, but I feel moved to share anyway.

• the sound of rain on a tin roof - my sister, Lydia, and I used to share a bed when we lived in our single wide trailer. We had a little window in our room. I remember just laying there thinking how beautiful the rain was. How everything was right in my life (I was very young.)
• the smell of Tommy Girl perfume - I wore this perfume when I was in Australia. I don't even have it anymore, but when I smell it, I am literally transported back to that place. My mind allows me to see, hear, smell, and feel everything that Australia was to me.
• writing - I don' t know if I'm a good writer. I often don't pay too much attention to grammar like I should. Some people have told me that I'm talented. I'm forever working on this one book. I have written countless poems. I write best at night.
• ice cream - I love Breyers chocolate chip cookie dough. I've tried other brands and it's just not the same. Mind you, I haven't had any in quite some time. Ice cream doesn't help me lose weight.
• my girls - I actually have 4. Of course there is Remle and Daily, but I have two Jack Russells living with me right now (one on loan from my sister while her fence is being built.) Playing outside with all 4 of them is fun. My daughters love them and my dogs love the attention. I have always been a dog person, I grew up with them. I highly recommend the movie "Marley and Me." If you are considering owing a dog, or having children, or either one, or both, you should see this movie.
• Sha - we've known each other since kindergarten. You always hear about the good friends that you'll have in different seasons of your life. I agree, I have had some friends that were perfect for me when I was in a certain place. But my friendship with Sha has seemed to transcend all of that. Mind you we haven't always been the closest. We had our times when we argued or simply had other things going on. And all of those times we have found a way to find each other again. We have never had a problem picking up where we left off. I have no reservations with her. I laugh at her and cry with her. I believe in her. She encourages me and keeps me grounded. I am appreciative for everything she has done and everything she has kept me from doing. I have no reason to believe that our friendship will ever end. I think she is truly one of those gifts that God knew I would really need.
• my family - I have a big family. Of course there are my parents and sister and brother-in-law; my in laws; my little foursome. And then there are the extended one. My cousins are more like my siblings. My aunts and uncles more my parents. We have a unusual chemistry. Like in the movies in a way. Difficult to explain and not always stable, but a force to be reckoned with.
• my role models - all of them at different times in my life, and I'm sure I'll leave some out, but a few to start: my parents, my sisters, the Bright family, the Moore family, Michele Moss Brown, Christy Honeycutt Brockman, Grant Knisley, Jamie Robinson, the Rubios, my grandparents, my aunts, Sha Moore Toohig, Tami Billings (wherever you may be,) Lois Colvett, Janet Honeycutt, Johnny Cash, Jeanie Finzer, Teena Cummings, the Chesters, Marka Bennett, Debbie Edwards, the Iveys, Tim Cutberth, Mr. Sanders, Tommy Drinnen, Karen and Garry Brown...to name a few.
• Opryland - I know this sounds crazy. It's not even there anymore. When they tore it down, I mourned for months. That place had so many memories for me. I knew it like the back of my hand, and being a roller coaster fan, I went way too many times to count. I miss it and I know there are better theme parks out there, but I really wish I could have taken my girls there. They would probably look at it and laugh. But I don't have a single bad memory of that place. It made me happy. What's so wrong with that?
• music - I saved the best for the last because if you know me, you know how I crave it. While I do love a good song, lyrics do not have to be involved. I can hear a song once and if it grabs me, I know it. You may know I sing a little. I'm loud and it used to get me made fun of. I can sing softly, but if I'm singing because I want to and not paying attention, I am loud. I love the way music makes me feel better. I love the way it can make me cry. How like a certain smell, just a few notes can take me to a different place in time. I love how music can communicate so much more than words can. It is timeless and perfect and without prejudice. It is my sanctuary.

So that was a pretty long list and I thought I was keeping it short. You may have known that I loved all of these things. But on Valentine's Day, a day set apart for love, I wanted to share.

Valentine's day never really goes the way I think it will. And really it's just one day, I shouldn't put that much emphasis on it. My dad always brought my sister and I a rose and something chocolate to school. Maybe that's how it started for me. All I know is that I hope that I can pass the importance of love to my children. Love is something that you do. And if only in the smallest of ways, an impact is still made.

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you know you are loved.

Picture Time

Since the girls both reached age milestones recently my mom and I took the girls to have their picture taken. We went to Portrait Innovations in Collierville. I highly recommend this place. They took 123 pictures. They listen to the things I like and don't like. They let us do a wardrobe change and were very patient with me while I chose the 4 pictures I liked best. (I had some serious panic going on by the end of it, thank goodness my mother was there.) It's a great deal. They even have a package for $9.95. If I knew that I would have the strength to just get one pose and only pay that small price, I'd take them every month. Instead I go about every 3 or 4 months. We will probably go back in June when Daily is 18 months. I did decide to have my picture taken with them. I'm not crazy about it, but I know I'll be glad I did it.

I grew up with a mom who treasured pictures. I honestly don't know if she's ever thrown one away. I am a bit of a pack rat because of her. I recently went through a box of pictures she had collected from the house. I did throw some away, only because I had so many of the people in them already. It didn't make sense to keep them.

I always told myself that I'd keep all the pictures of ex-boyfriends and old friends, love letters and pass around notes, ticket stubs and clippings. I wanted something concrete to show my children. I never felt like I had enough of that from my parents. I never felt like I knew their younger selves well enough. Maybe we're not supposed to know our adolescent parents. Maybe we'd be a little afraid of what our 20-something folks would look like. I'm sure we'd be surprised. I'm sure my parents didn't always have that confident air they have now. Still it would've been nice to see a glimpse of them, more than what a studio picture can tell. So that's why I keep those things in a big box beneath my bed. Sure I go back and read some of those old love letters, it makes me laugh. But hopefully it will impact my girls in a different way. Maybe they'll understand me better. Or gain a perspective on what life could be like or will become. Then again, maybe it's foolish thinking. My children may never ask to see those things. They may not care about what their mother was like at that age. And to be honest, I may be a little sad if they don't.

I do believe the past can help us grasp the future.

And I wonder what technologies will be around in the next 5 years to help me capture my girls. We bought a video camera right after Daily was born. I do love having those moments. I haven't gotten the whole transfer to DVD down perfectly yet, but I'm working on it.

Hopefully, my children will cherish these things. Not everyone has the same sense of nostalgia. But if I pass something along to Remle and Daily, I hope it is the sense that I cared enough to capture their memorable moments. Even if some are only in my heart.

Cradle-Roll

Many of you have seen my Facebook statuses lately. A friend and I are hard at work to start a cradle-roll at church. If you didn't grow up in the Church of Christ like I did, then you may have no idea what a cradle-roll is. Well simply put, it's a Bible class for babies. Why they just don't call it "baby Bible class," is beyond me.
I'm really excited about this opportunity.

When I first visited Friendship Church of Christ, I was overwhelmed with not only how friendly everyone was but also how much my 2 year old, Remle, was learning in her class. Not only did the church offer regular Bible class with activities such as singing and crafts, but also provided a Jr. Bibleland during worship. I love it. I drop her off at the beginning of class and don't see her again until worship is over. And all week long we talk about Bible class. And each Wednesday, she's excited to go back to class.
The first Sunday that we visited, there was someone in the nursery to watch my then 10 month old, Daily. She was the only baby in there. And from that day forward I took her with me to class and worship. I didn't see a need for a person to miss out on worship for one baby. Now Daily is almost 13 months and is difficult to handle during class and worship. Another mother of an 8 month old girl is having the same problem.
As of March, the church will have 4 children under the age of 18months. It just seemed like a natural thing to do. So I went to the source.
My grandmother taught cradle-roll for 30 years. What a legacy! My mother taught cradle-roll for many years also. I have big shoes to fill. My mom has helped me with the bones of the program. She taught me the basic curriculum and gave me a list of necessary supplies to get started.
Monday I ordered the table for the class. And Thursday I will be working in the nursery trying to decorate and organize what I can.
I'm typically a "it needs to happen yesterday" person. I'm the least patient with myself. It seems like it has been forever that we've been working on this. But I think that's because it has become a real need in our congregation.
I've been all over 2 different counties looking for what I need. As I was racking up at a local dollar store, the cashier asked me if the stuff was for a daycare. I replied that no it was for a baby Bible class. She looked at me quizzically and said "You're going to teach babies about God?" It was a powerful moment for me.

Both of my girls were winter babies and I didn't take them out much before 3 months for fear of them catching cold. But I recently read a blog of an acquaintance who had documented her daughter's first visit to church. In the picture documenting this blessed event, the little girl was already able to stand on her own! How important I believe it is for our children to be exposed to Jesus Christ as early as possible.

If you still are not convinced that babies need a Bible class or are even capable of learning, I urge you to check out this article about a church in Texas.
http://www.childrensministry.com/ArticlePrint.asp?ID=1763
If you still are not sure, bring your baby to the class in a few weeks. Even if you don't leave with a clearer understanding of who our Savior is, I'm sure your little one will have a great understanding of how wonderful the cradle-roll class is.



Luke 18:16 (The Message)
15-17People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. "Let these children alone. Don't get between them and me. These children are the kingdom's pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in."

Resolution

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion 
a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

So I'm sure by now you've made yours. Maybe you don't. Ok, you're a rebel. But are you really? It's difficult for me to believe people when they say that they don't make New Year's resolutions. I remember being a small child and overhearing my dad tell a family friend a few of his resolutions. I was in awe. I don't really know why except maybe then I thought he had nothing he really needed to change about himself. But I think change is healthy and good and sometimes fun. And yet, change almost always scares the hell out of me.

That being said, I have resolved to post on a more regular basis. I looked at my blog tonight and realized it has been quite sometime since I last shared my thoughts. Almost 4 months! So much has happened in that time that I feel I should catch you up to date. After all, my life is quite entertaining.

My sister and I bought my mother a cruise for her 50th birthday. We leave in April. We are really excited and are desperate to get into our cruise worthy bodies. Drastic measures must be taken, but I'm up for the challenge.

I found out that my closest friend is pregnant. She is going to be, and in all fairness already is, an amazing mother. Congratulations!

I started selling Avon. I haven't done as well as I had hoped, but I haven't been trying as hard as I should either. I signed up right around Thanksgiving, so I let myself kind of learn the ropes during the holidays. Time to get serious now. If you are interested you can go to www.youravon.com/bmattice

I spent 4 glorious days with my sister at her home in Auburn, AL during Thanksgiving. We made all the food from scratch. She made the turkey and dressing. It was delicious. It was stressful and fun. I was surprised and elated when she agreed to get up at 3:30 in the morning on Black Friday to go shopping. That was my first Black Friday experience. It was so much fun. I hope it is a new tradition with us.

I celebrated Remle's 2nd birthday with a Sesame Street party. My mother, sister and I made the 3 tier cake. I will probably never do that again. It was absolute insanity. I also learned that some people have very loose opinions about how to behave at a child's birthday party. Evidently some mothers feel it is perfectly fine for their child to rip open the birthday girl's gifts before she has even laid a hand on them. I think she should open her gifts after everyone has gone home. My mother thinks this is rude. I have decided that the gifts our guests brought can be opened during the party and the family gifts can be opened in a calmer setting. Who knew there would be such drama?

I attended the funeral of my closest friend's grandfather. I felt such pain for her. I still do.

I made it through the 1st Christmas without my papaw. I will surely dedicate several future posts to my grandparents. It was excruciatingly painful and I found it difficult to enjoy Remle and Daily's day.

I placed membership at a new congregation. Friendship Church of Christ is an amazing church and I encourage all of you to visit. http://www.fscoc.org/

I made friends with a girl at my new church home. She is a stay at home mom of a 7 month old girl and a 4 year old boy. We try to get together once a week or so. She has helped me with the loneliness.

I rang in the New Year with the Riverkings. A family from church went to the game with me and then stayed with the girls while I went out for awhile. Honestly, I wish I had stayed home and celebrated with them. Y'all are a fun bunch! Thanks a million.

I made several resolutions. (more on those in the future)

I found that I am very busy now. The girls of course are as wild as ever. They are constantly tackling each other and narrowly missing a sharp object here and there. I try to balance time with them and housework. I find myself letting the housework slip a little. It's a losing battle, but I'm enjoying the time I spend just playing with the girls.

In this last week, with the help of several people, I have started to put together a cradle roll, or Bible class for the infants at church. I'm really excited about this. I hope this is a successful contribution I am making. I love being involved.

I have a friend who recently had a baby boy (recent as in like 3 months ago.) She also has 2 older children and a full time job and a husband. She still manages to keep up with her blog. And her body looks like she never suffered the trials of birthing a baby. She is one of my inspirations.

So while I'm sure I've left some stuff out, it's a good synopsis of what I have been doing with my time. I love this outlet I have. I know that I would be able to resolve some things going on in this head of mine if I used it more often.

So prepare to hear about the changes I'm making. I can't promise you that they will all be entertaining or enlightening. But I can promise that they will be honest.

above-board, authentic, bona fide*, conscientious, decent, direct, equitable, ethical, fair, fair and square, forthright, frank, genuine, high-minded*, honorable, impartial, ingenuous, just, law-abiding, lay it on the line, like it is, no lie, on the level*, on the up and up, open, outright, plain, proper, real, reliable, reputable, scrupulous, sincere, straight, straightforward, true, true blue, trustworthy, trusty, undisguised, unfeigned, upfront, upright, veracious, virtuous, what you see is what you get

So now you know at least one of my resolutions. To be more honest with myself.

What have you resolved to do?

Hoss, Lil' Red, Itchy, Spicy... Lyd

I can remember my sister coming home from the hospital. Some people think that it's crazy that I can remember being three years old, but I do. I hated her from the beginning. Hate is a strong word. I should rephrase, I was very leery of her presence. And so the saga begins.

She's 25 now. And I can honestly say, she's one of my best friends. She is, without apology, a royal pain in the arse sometimes. And it's all I can do not to wring that skinny little neck of hers. Other times, she's great. It hasn't been long that I've had such rosy feelings for her. We are very different people. So different, that if we didn't share some of the same physical characteristics, I would doubt that we are truly sisters. But since I know it to be a fact, I should embrace it, right? No, not so much.

My girls changed a lot of things. When people say to a happy couple, just beginning to feel the excitement of parenthood, "your life will never be the same." It is very rare that this blissful couple truly grasps the gravity of that phrase. I know I didn't. My girls changed my relationship with my sister. And every day that relationship gets better.

Growing up with Lydia was difficult. She was a brat, a tattle-tale, a faker and a spoil sport. She made me want to pummel her, in fact I'm sure I did a few times. We went to high school together. She was a freshmen, I a senior. I drove a Bronco that had a problem keeping that back tire latch closed. At red lights I would make her get out and close it. I thought it was hilarious, she thought it was torture. We did have some good times growing up. Largely though, my parents were much easier on her than they were to me. I had to work harder for my grades. I was never as kind or as delicate as they thought her to be. She was fragile, they would say. Even my friends could see it. And of course my parents deny it even to this day. Lydia denies it too. She thought the exact opposite. She did everything they wanted her to do and they rewarded her for her good decisions. I don't think Lydia was wrong for this. But it would've made me insane to walk such a line. Now, my parents weren't awful. We as a family had our share of struggles. And children never really do understand everything that their parents are trying to do for them. But Lydia and I were as different as night and day.

The same Lydia that yelled at me the whole time I drove us anywhere (school alone was a 35 minute drive one way) was also the Lydia that joined me in stripping down to our bras once the school was out of sight. It was hot and the Bronco had no air conditioning. And to be honest, those little things made me love her more. The same Lydia that complains about how stressed she is and how tired she is, is the same Lydia that always asks how my day is going. The same Lydia that never seemed to care what I thought, is the same Lydia that gave me a ton of creative control in her wedding plans. The same Lydia that frustrates me to no end, is the same Lydia I call first for a good talk.

When I got pregnant, I called my sister and told her before I told my parents. She was there when the girls were born. She was there for Remle's first birthday and Christmas and Easter egg hunt. I'm sure she will be there for as many firsts for Daily too. She has called me practically every day since Remle's birth. Especially now that I'm a stay at home mom.

Watching her with my girls is like magic. She tires of them easily. I laugh wondering how she will ever survive motherhood. I always give her a hard time, saying I'm genuinely concerned if she can handle her own offspring. But I know that my girls could not have asked for a better aunt. The moment she enters the room, they light up. To them she is perfect in every way.

I can't wait till she has a little one of her own. So that I can spoil that baby the same way she does mine.

I laugh when I think of the day she stayed with me in the hospital after Remle was born. I had a c-section and really wanted to rest. Remle was asleep in Lydia's arms because if Lydia was there, I did not get to hold my baby. I would try to breastfeed and Lydia would be kissing the top of Remle's head. Lydia was stuck to that baby like she was the new mother. I watched her in awe, seeing a new side of my sister. I got up out of the hospital bed, made a comment about having a nap, and made my way to the bathroom. When I opened the door to leave the bathroom, there she was. She was in my hospital bed, covered up in my blankets, head on my pillows, holding my 2 day old baby girl. Both were asleep. I felt a tug, understanding that God had just given me a glimpse of what changes were in store for me. He gave me a beautiful baby and a new relationship with my sister.

There are times that being with her is heaven. And there are times when I can't think of any criminal that deserves to be in her company, she would make them suffer so. But I am so grateful that my girls have her. I am grateful that my girls will get to see how wonderful it is to be someones sister. Even when you thought that was the last thing you wanted. Even when you thought you hated her.

I love you, Lyd.

Our work is God's work

In a very recent conversation with a dear friend, I was told I was a great mom. This of course being said after careful observation on the friend's part. And I kind of shrugged as to say "I guess so."

Reflectively I ask myself why it is so difficult at times to admit that what I am doing with my life is a great accomplishment. I love my children. I love my job. But as previous posts prove, I also wonder quite often if this is what I was meant for.

In my devotional this morning, I was directed to believe that whatever it is that we do, is God's work. That driving a truck, delivering the mail or working at a bank is God's work. My job that I left to be a full time mom was mostly about serving others. I do despartely miss that profession. I seem to be born with a need to see others happy. To resolve a problem and send people on thier way, feeling a bit better about the world. And why now, do I not always feel that my life has real purpose, I do not know. It is a daily struggle. This human affliction of needing to have a feeling of selfworth can be quite destructive.

So I have decided to let my work be not only for my children and family, but foremost for God. I will not be perfect. I have never been. I know there are others that will be better at this than I am. But if I mop the floor, change a dirty diaper, make grilled cheese sandwiches, read the same book for the millionth time and sing lullabies for the glory of our Lord, then it will change the way I feel about my profession. Will I always be so positive? Absolutely not. Will this make tasks that seem so mundane easier? Probably not at first.

In another conversation with the same friend, we spoke of worship and what it means to us. How everyone has a different opinion of how it should take place. The specifics and little details that really in the end are not that important. And the result of this debate on both sides is that we worship God in everything we do. That our lives should be in constant worship. I of course already knew this, as did my friend. Yet sometimes, most times, I need to be reminded.

I am grateful and humbled by everything the Lord has done for me. I have these girls to show me how wonderful He is. Every moment is a blessing. And while I do not get much reflective time, I do make time for a morning devotional. And this one today, put me in my place. Thankfully, we have a God that loves us enough to know that sometimes what we truly need is a swift kick in the pants to get us back on track.

I challenge you to do each task in your life for God's glory. I can safely say that you will have a change in attitude. And everyone needs a change every now and then.

I was just reminded

I haven't posted anything new because life has been out of control busy. I started the blog before we left for a family vacation to my husband's hometown in Canada. When we made it home from Canada, we visited my sister in Auburn, AL. So you see, I've had literally, no time. But why start a blog if I don't have time for it? Well one of my favorite things to say is "You'll never have time, you have to make time." So here I am, making time.

I have a dear friend who is trying to have a baby. Well, who doesn't have a friend who's trying to have a baby? If you're even remotely friendly with me, then at one time not so long ago, I was that friend to you. Desperately trying and each month I was devastated. Then along came, Remle and life just changed. Changed isn't even the word for it. To be honest a part of me wants to shake this friend and yell "Don't do it!" And yet I know that's crazy. I mean it sounds like I regret having children. That I don't appreciate the gifts that God gave me and that I don't see what a miracle giving birth is. Believe me, I do. I see it, feel it, live it, every day. But the truth is, motherhood (notice I didn't say parenting, cause that's very different) will change you forever. This friend of mine has everything right now. Great job, great spouse, great house, great car, wonderful body. I can't believe she'd want to screw it all up. Now if you are just some random person reading my blog, then you are not qualified to yell at me. You don't know me, you can't hear my voice inside your head while reading this. You don't know how much I have given up to raise these two grub snatchers. You don't know, so piss off. For the rest of you that do know me, you know I'm torn. I had this life, not perfect..who's is? But it was good for me. I went out when I wanted. I spent money on what I wanted. I socialized with who I wanted. When you have a kid and you're trying to do right by that kid, things change.

Everyday I wake up and think that I should be doing something different. My husband always asks me if I'm working on the book that I have been working on for 10 years now. And my answer is always "there's no time" I know, I know, see previous statement about making some. But truth be told, when you have a kid or multiple kids, things get put on the back burner. In some cases, the pot gets washed and put in the cabinet. And it's possible you'll never see that pot again. I had dreams. Big dreams.

Now part of these dreams going down the drain is my own damn fault. Dropping out of college and marrying way too young are my fault. But you live you learn and some of those mistakes have made me who I am. And I am better for it. I promise. But some are dreams that needed cultivating and time. And one of those was having babies and being a stay at home mom. Did I plan for my life as a stay at home mom to be this way? No, absolutely not. I thought I would be this crafty woman who had a squeaky clean house and brilliant children. Now mind you I am crafty and my children are brilliant, but my house is never clean. In fact it is very close to being a health code violation. Any minute the CDC could bust up in here and it would all be over.

And every morning I desperately wish I had my full time job back and my children were in daycare. That sounds crazy because every day I went to work at my full time job and took Remle to daycare, I cried and I hated it and wished exactly the opposite. I am so fickle.

I do really want to write a book. I think that I would be good at it. I have great ideas and everyone I share them with, thinks they're great too. I would love to be in a Broadway show. That will probably not happen. But I can dream. That statement was mostly for people who are always asking "Why did you never do anything with your voice?" If you know me and didn't know I can sing, I really can't, please don't ask me. Unless of course it's your wedding or funeral. I make exceptions for that. I'm too old for American Idol anyway.

So getting back to this friend. You know who you are. I am your biggest cheerleader for whatever you want to do. I have always been and always will be. (I hope you haven't been trying to get rid of me.) I know I don't always say the right thing. I know I don't always give motherhood the best face. But I just want you to know how different life will be. You will love it and hate it. No harm in the truth. I know you'll be great at it. You're great at everything. Your offspring will be amazing. I just want you to know that if you ever really do feel like it's not what you expected, or you are in way over your head, call me. I will not say "I told you so." Probably because I'll feel the same way. Most likely because I'm 10 seconds and a overly used mantra away from stuffing my kids in the oven.

You will never get these moments back. The moments when you wanted that baby so badly, but cherished every moment that they weren't here. Living your life, fulfilling your dreams. You will grow through the journey. You will learn and you will be bent to your weakest point. But nothing feels like motherhood. It is an awful, glorious, insulting and blissful job. I pray that all of your wildest and childlike dreams come true. Love is truly shown through the eyes of a child. And I love you dearly.

Now, how soon are you going to buy this tired and haggard old mother a drink?