For Sweet Pea, Sugar Foot and Cupcake

So I have a huge "to do" list

2012-01-03T07:53:00.000-08:00

Let's face it, who doesn't? Mine is so long, I about cry everytime I look at it. So I thought I would break up my day by enjoying a little Pinterest surfing (setting a timer for 25 minutes so I know how long I've actually been on) while the baby is sleeping and the big girls are involved with destroying whatever it is that I've just cleaned.

I have a lot of new things I want to try and Pinterest is great for that.

I found a blog that is committed to homemade products and I look at them and think "I could definitely do this." So I'm going to try to be a homemade mama on a few things this year.

I will also say that I am trying to get up earlier now. Not just on the days that the girls have preschool. I want this time to focus on some light housekeeping and laundry, and of course coffee consumption. If I can get 2 loads done before the girls wake up, I won't feel so overwhelmed by it during the day when I should be doing my primary job of mothering. I am trying to encourage my husband to do the same so that maybe he can help with a bit of the work and I can have the feeling of teamwork that I so desparately want for our marriage.

That being said, I have to go load the dishwasher and prepare the daily art project (more on that later.)

Check out this blog! You may think I'm crazy (it's been proven that I really am anyway) but I find it very cool!

Home Made Mamas

Happy Making!

Note to self...

2011-12-29T09:26:00.000-08:00

My friend and I (she shall remain nameless as to not incriminate her, but you know who you are) have a bit of a joke that skinny moms with it all together have ugly children. And while this isn't really true (since I have plenty of skinny friends with beautiful children) it sort of makes me feel better when I think this. It's cruel I know, because really all babies are precious and beautiful in their own way. But, it's a guilty pleasure and just a bit of an inside joke between two best friends that aren't skinny and have messy houses but most certainly have beautiful babies.

So that's my confession. I know it's strange to confess this, because in reality, everyone has this guilty pleasure. You may be skinny and rich but look at other women and think it would be nice to say what's on your mind so you make up something in your head to justify them having something you don't. You may have it all together, but feel a little trapped by your "obsessive compulsive" needs to have everything in its place. And you may be like me, everything is out of control and you feel overwhelmed by the peer pressure to get your crap together.

In my house, we have very little organization. It's a complicated balance of laundry, dishes, toys, books and general chaos. I have tried, believe me, I have tried to be organized. I really do hate that I don't have it all together. It is just against my nature to put things in place and to have a schedule. I have a lot of strong points, but labeling, categorizing, and structuring things are not among them. I feel the unspoken competition among my friends to join the club and have a clean house.

I go to one of my closest friend's houses and seriously nothing is out of place. The bathrooms are always clean, the carpet is always vacuumed and she has a bigger house, a nicer car and a better body than I do to boot. I leave feeling pretty low sometimes. But I know her well, and know that she doesn't keep her house this way just to make herself look superior. I know that it is just in her personality to keep things in order. I also know that while she has these strengths, she also has weaknesses. And while I don't see them on a consistent basis (she is my dear friend, I look and see the best in her because that's what friends do, see earlier post) I know she has them. I know because no one is perfect. I know because she tells me about them. I know because while she does seem to have it all together, she also has beautiful children.

So, I'm going to be myself. My messy, unorganized, crazy self. Will I freak out from time to time that DHS could shut me down any minute? Yes. Will I lose it on my children and husband to help me get this place in somewhat of respectable nature? Most definitely. But what I am going to strive to do is the laundry and the dishes and the other menial tasks that make up my day as best I know how. I will also read the huge ever growing stack of books. Step over the pile of towels on the floor. Ignore the several layers of dried toothpaste in the girls' bathroom. And most of all, embrace my inner self, invite my friends over and hold my head up high. Maybe I am overweight, have frizzy hair, live in a tiny house and never seem to have a clean pair of matching socks, but my children are beautiful. And so is my life.

You've got a Friend...

2011-11-16T04:39:00.000-08:00

Isn't Toy Story a wonderful movie? How many have cried at the end of Toy Story 3 when Andy chooses to leave his toys with the little girl? It's me, the sentimental sap. There are a ton of themes to that series, but as the song suggests "You've Got a Friend in Me." Seriously, you do. Ok, maybe you don't know me and maybe if you do, I annoy you. How that could ever be the case I do not know, because I am just a constant joy to be around.

You know that friend that you've had since you were a kid? Maybe through school or church that no matter what happened in life, you always were connected. That when everything else in you life was going to Hell in a hand basket, they were the constant, they were your compass to your true North. Or that friend that you knew in High School that you liked but never really fused into true blue friends until later in life when it just seemed you couldn't go a few hours without having to tell them something. Or those friends that you can be totally honest with, that you have no qualms telling them the awful truth about something you've done, or want to do. I have these friends. I didn't always.

When I had my firstborn, Remle, we were blessed with a huge shower and tons of well wishers, but when it came to the birth and getting that projectile vomiting demon home, I didn't have many people outside of my husband and mother. 13 months later we brought our preemie, Daily, home and I was in much of the same situation. Too far away from church to ever really be involved and too scared to get in the car and go anywhere with a 1 year old and a newborn. When we had Frankie though, my experience was so different. I had so many people surrounding me, begging to help. It was wonderful!

I credit this difference to my relationship with God, my husband and my church family. No, not everyone I'm friends with goes to church with me (just 98% of them.) But after finding my church home, I realized that I could ask God for friends. It seems silly. I mean, seriously, how could a crazy, extrovert like me go for so long without friends? It's simple now that I can look back. I wasn't in the right place, I wasn't searching for the right people.

Do I love my life? Absolutely. Am I always saying that on here? Not so much. But be aware that before I type anything on here, I have vented to at least 3 of my closest friends.

If you're not sure what to look for, let me give you some pointers. Find someone that will make you laugh. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Find someone that you feel you can be truthful with. This may take a little time since it can be difficult to trust, but start small and build from there. Find someone that is your same body type. If not for any other reason so that you can borrow clothes, but also so that you can identify with that person's self consciousness. Find someone who is on the same sleep schedule as you. If you're a night owl and want to get out of the house after 9 but all of your friends are asleep, you might end up on Peopleofwalmart.com because they weren't there to send you back in your house to change clothes. And of course, find someone that is a gift from God. Whether it be at your church or someone you reconnect with. It could be that friend that you've always had, but never thought about truly embracing. Whatever you do, get them.

Because one day your whole family will be sick and you'll need a friend to run to the drugstore for you. Or you'll be in the hospital and your parents are out of town with your sick grandmother and you need someone to keep your 3 darling children. Or you'll be on the brink of killing your husband and need someone to call to tell you how bad prison food is. Or there will be a stupid movie you really want to see and need a friend to indulge you. Or you'll be in the shower and slip and fall and you'll need that friend who won't mind seeing you naked to come and help you up. There is a common theme: Need. No man is an island. You can not go through life without good compadres.

All of that being said, be a great friend. Don't let people down. Don't get upset when they put their family first. Don't be selfish with your time together. Don't expect them to agree with you on everything. And if you do anything, DO be a friend that Jesus would want to have. Pray for your friends. Because believe me, they need it, and so do you.

My Husband Won't read this....

2011-11-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

So I don't have to worry about the things I say about him on here. There are so many wonderful things to say about him. Seriously. But I won't be saying those today.

As I sit here, I realize that I'm bitter and grouchy. But what else is new? You know how you start the day with a positive outlook, trying to smile and be sunshine and rainbows in your family's day. And then around mid-morning you feel the crap sinking in. I mean c'mon, how hard is it to pick the towel up off the floor. Or put away the coffee creamer, especially when you were not just the last, but the only one to use it. How much effort would it take to send a quick text or email saying how much you appreciate your stay at home slave. Oops, excuse me, stay at home domestic goddess.
Are ya feelin' me? (I could seriously go on for hours, and if you're my close friend, you can attest to that fact.) And I also realize that the title of this blog is not "For you ungrateful slobs that I married and gave life to." So, I digress.

Being a full time mother is a thankless job. Those of you that get to leave the house, even if for only one day a week are so lucky. But you probably feel differently, so I won't elaborate on how I crave my old desk and adult interaction for 8 consecutive hours. What I will do is be thankful for my mother. She did the same job when I was little. She cleaned, cooked, loved, punished, taught, directed, read, colored, laughed, cried and most of all, mothered. I struggle to be thankful everyday that my husband works at a very stressful job so that I can stay home. I struggle to not be jealous of my friends that have it all together. I struggle (really struggle) to not be angry with my family for what seems like blatant disrespect for how hard it is to do this job.

What I want to say, I would regret, because in the end, I love my family. I know that I won't have them like this forever. I know that they are one day going to blame me for all the mistakes I made when I was just trying my best. I know that I will want to take back every harsh correction and every angry word. I know that I will wish that I could sit and read with them, play soccer with them, push them on the swing and lay in bed and talk about all the wonderful things in our life. I know that my clean house and laundry are minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I know all of these things, but all of these things are sometimes necessary to be a good stay at home mom. Sometimes I have to ignore my children so that I can get supper ready and fold the clothes. Sometimes I have to fake it till I make it just so that I can sit in my closet and cry after everyone has gone to bed. Sometimes I am so pulled in every direction that I want to run away. Sometimes I panic thinking that my children will remember that I was angry, bitter, depressed and worst of all unloving.

I don't know how to fix the epidemic of the overflowing laundry or the less than award winning meals. I don't know how to manage my time better so that my children are brilliant and well behaved and there is not a single speck of dust anywhere. I don't know how to be skinny, pretty and remember to smile and say a kind word even when I feel like saying something I dare not write on this post. What is the answer? What could the million dollar remedy be?

I will leave the prior question unanswered. But I will ask you this. Are you feeling the pressure that society and undoubtedly our spouse and children put on us? If your answer is yes (and let me help you... it is) then I challenge you to take a deep breath. I challenge you to count to 7. I challenge you to compliment yourself on a job well done. One day, they all will. One day they will understand that you gave up so much of yourself to be what they needed. One day, God will call you home and when you gaze upon His face, He will say "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Do all things to the glory of Him who saves you.

For the record, I know I've posted something similar to this in the past, but I needed to write it again. It's my blog and I can do what I want to. :)

You are More

2011-08-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Ever wish you could change your personality?
Like that short lived sit-com "Samantha Who?" Get hit by a car and go into a coma and wake up a week later with total amnesia. Start over, the lot of your past mistakes wiped clean. I used to want that every day of my life.
I was a survivor, though barely, of a painful divorce and had no direction. I looked to people I called my friends and they had some very shallow answers. I tried to find a place in church and the people I connected with seemed to be floundering around in life just as I was. I was miserable. I had no future. I spent my nights out at the bar, sharing my bed with whomever was willing and sinking further into the pit of loneliness and despair. In one of many arguments my mother asked "Have you no shame?" My response was to push my family further away. But in truth, I had shame. I was consumed in shame.
I had no idea how to get out of the depths I was in. I couldn't go back to my religious upbringing because I wasn't raised with that type of God. It wasn't my parents' fault, I had been piggybacking their faith all that time. I had met the Holy Spirit a few times while at youth events or in college. Yet those few meetings seemed grossly overshadowed by the horrible wrongs of my past and present.
So, I got married again. I involved my parents in my life again and tried to be faithful to the churchgoing person I used to be. I tried for a baby for over three agonizing years and during that time I begged and pleaded for God to grant my request. Not realizing that all this time, I was still in the bottom of that pit. Had I changed my circumstances? Yes, absolutely. Had I changed my heart? Maybe fractionally, at least I was praying again. I was faithful to my husband and I put in my attendance at church. But the Spirit wasn't there.
Then I had a baby. Her name was Remle Anne and she was perfect. The best thing I had ever made. And at that moment of her birth, God changed my name.
It was a slow process. No one can change their personality. I was still the loud, obnoxious, outgoing, quick to anger, impulsive, loving, fun person that I had always been. But now I belonged to God. I had the burden in my heart to show my child what a woman of God should be. And I tried so hard to do so. I wasn't perfect. In my transformation, I left my husband behind. We grew further and further apart. I couldn't understand why he didn't see the better me. The new life I wanted for us and our now two children.
What separated us and then brought us back together was our new church. The church was full of imperfect people loving a perfect God. I jumped in with both feet. Bringing my husband and children in tow. Was there resistance at first? Yes, definitely. Did I forget to compromise and listen? Always. But God was changing me, over and over again. The Spirit was there, working in me and in my marriage. It took a few years to get us to a good place. We still have our struggles. But for the most part, we have learned to put God in the equation first.
My new theme song in Tenth Avenue North's "You are More"
The chorus is:

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Toby Mac sings a song "Lose My Soul"
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.

But Christ came in range, we said yes now we changed,
Not the same, even though I made a fall,
Since I got that call, no more Saul, now I'm Paul.

We sing a song in church "I Will Change Your Name"
‘I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid
I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.”

I relate to all of these words and so much more. Am I perfect? Never. Am I called to try to be like Jesus? Everyday. And everyday I fall short. But God has changed my name. I am no longer shameful, beat down, hopeless. Now, thanks to my Father, my King, my Savior, I am more. I am so much more.

What do you want your new name to be?

Been a long long time

2010-12-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

So I know I totally suck at blogging, but I hope that I can be better if I try to keep it short and sweet.
I have had a very busy year, made a new baby and kept the other 2 alive.
I seem to be busier each day. I have become even more involved in our church and I can physically see the way God is blessing our lives every day.
Over the Christmas holiday, my sister, mother and I, took my 3 girls and my sister's son, Cooper, to have their portrait made. It was a recipe for disaster, but the whole ordeal wasn't too bad.
In these pictures the kids ages are Remle, 4 years, Daily, 3 years, Cooper 8 months and Frankie 3 months.
After the pictures were taken, we sat down to look at them and I just kept saying "Oh my goodness, She's beautiful!" about Frankie (Cupcake.) I am pretty sure the guy at the studio thought I was crazy, but I was just overwhelmed at how great the pictures turned out. Hope you enjoy!
There will be more to follow on our new and last addition to the family.

God Bless!

China

2009-11-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of my cousin and his wife. Thomas and Callie Mitchell are teaching English in Hangzhou, China. I miss them both, but in a recent conversation with Thomas he expressed how much they love it over there. I was intrigued with all he had to say about the culture and the people they are building relationships with.

Check out their blog http://mitchellstochina.blogspot.com/

Love to you both!

Rose

2009-07-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

My grandmother, Rose Carpenter, hasn't been herself since my grandfather died. It actually started before that, but since my grandfather was so sick, we didn't much notice. She lives in a newly built "mother-in-law" wing with her youngest daughter. There are days that are good but mostly my grandmother is someone I don't know. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease. It makes me sad to think how my beloved grandmother, my Mamaw, has been robbed of truly experiencing my children. She was always a great listener, never seemed to judge, knew what I was thinking before I said it, and gave great advice.

My mother wrote a paper as part of a school assignment in September of 1992. I think that the assignment was to write about someone you admired. I have read this paper for years, as Mamaw kept notes, cards and pictures tacked up around the house. She had this paper laminated.

Rose, my mother-in-law, packs in an incredible amount of love in one day. She has the endurance of a twenty-year-old; yet, she is three times that age. Up by daylight, she takes a moment to write an encouraging letter to someone who is ill or has lost a loved one. Afterwards, she may go visit someone in the hospital or take someone a delicious meal she has prepared. She always enjoys going out to eat lunch with a group of her friends, and they discuss the hardships of the people that go to the church she attends. By mid-afternoon she has finished her daily tasks of cleaning her humble home and has worked eagerly in her flower garden to make it beautiful for all eyes to see. She delights in feeding her fowl, feathered friends and giving them fresh water to drink and bathe in. In the late afternoon, she has a scrumptious meal waiting for her hungry, hard working husband. Everything is homemade or home grown from the bountiful garden she harvests every year. She works hard in her garden from early spring to late fall. She has an ample supply of canned and frozen good for her family, which consists of about thirty people. In the evening, it seems as though her mind is passionately searching out things to do for those around her. Sewing is a pure delight for her; especially, when she is making a new, frilly dress for one of her seven granddaughters. She sometimes sews diligently into the night because she can hardly wait to see the big smiles on her granddaughters’ faces and to see them proudly wear them to church on Sunday morning. She always spends a few minutes each night reading her Bible and soaking in the message she receives. After a very gratifying day, she lays her tired, aching body down, and she contemplates what love she can give tomorrow.

My Aunt Susan, Aunt Nancy and Mamaw

I am truly indebted to my Aunt Susan, Aunt Nancy, Uncle Ray and my Father and their spouses for taking care of my grandparents. I can only hope that I can serve my parents in such a dedicated way when the time comes. My true comfort is that one day in Heaven, my grandmother and I can talk again as we used to. We will hold hands and tell each other all of our secrets the way we did when I thought things would never change.

I love you Mamaw, thank you for everything you've taught me. I hope I can make you proud.

Uncle Matt

2009-07-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I went to Auburn, AL to spend the week at my sister's house. VBS time had come in full force, and I, being the wonderful mother that I am, was not about to let my girls miss it. We drove 5 1/2 hours nonstop. This was the weekend after the big storm. I had no power at the house and had been awake since 5 am as to have a garage sale. Needless to say, I was slapping myself and singing children's songs at the top of my lungs to make it to Lydia's without passing out from exhaustion. We arrived Saturday evening and that next week was one of the best of my life.

Lydia married a man that none of us really understood. We couldn't tell if he understood us either. I have a large extended family. We are notorious for being without filter between our mind and mouth. We are loud and bossy and emotionally involved in each other's lives. I'm surprised he didn't bow out gracefully after his first "Carpenter" encounter. And since he took my sister 6 hours away from us to Kingston, TN to be a youth minister and her a teacher, I have run the gamut in my feelings and thoughts towards him. Now I can safely say that he is one of my closest friends.

Matt is an amazing person, he has his faults, we all do. He's a tightwad (which is why he has more money than I do) and this isn't necessarily a bad thing except that it has rubbed off on my sister and she never seems to just buy anything on a whim. I can't ever tell when he's angry with me. I don't know how often he has been, but my sister had to tell me of such occasions since I never noticed a change in his behavior towards me.

But though he may have faults (I'm sure Lydia could think of a few more, as most wives often can,) he is a blessing to me.

The week of VBS was wonderful. Lydia had to work and so after she left, Matt stuck around to play with the girls while I got ready. At their congregation, any children under 1st grade must have a parent volunteering to help with VBS. So though I did get rid of my 2 girls for 2 1/2 hours everyday, I did have 9 4 year olds to keep a watch on. And after VBS, each day Matt sat in the back of the auditorium with the girls so that I could collect their things and also collect myself. He came home early to play everyday. We went to parks, the lake, shopping, church, out to eat and for walks.

My sister is well known for wimping out when it comes to stamina with my children. I often dread visits to her house because while it starts out nice, she is tired of us after a few days. I don't blame her, I wake up everyday talking myself into my job. But even she was more tolerable of the 2 manics that had invaded their home.

Uncle Matt never tired of his adoring fans. The girls love him. The ask about him everyday, want to call him, look at pictures of him, and watch video of times when he is around. Likewise his love for them is never ceasing. I could tell he was tired at the end of the day. Yet never did he refuse to read to them, or get them more juice, or dry them off from their bath. He helped them with every meal and never once complained about all the attention he was receiving. My girls are so happy when he is around. I trust him completely with them. I have never heard him raise his voice or become impatient with them. I am so proud that Matt is their uncle.

I am so blessed that he is not only my brother-in-law, but also my friend. It has been an unlikely match, this friendship. But I know that he will always ask the right question, or listen attentively, or call just to say hello. I know he prays for me and my family. I know that God had a definite plan when he put Lydia and Matt together. Not just for their lives as a couple, but for me and my girls.

Life is just more fun with you in it, Uncle Matt. We love you.

Running

2009-05-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

So don't read this title and think "What?!? Brandy has started running?" Absolutely not. My knees wouldn't take it. But I have learned that the figurative phrase "running around" is actually more than some make it out to be.

Sometimes I like to think that I'm super-mom. The one who can do anything, fix anything, cook anything, and make everything special. Alas, I am not super-mom. Yes I have had my glory moments, I have also spent a good bit of time crying and begging God to make it easier. I've said before that I feel like being a mom is a huge sacrifice. I honestly believe that, but I also am blessed by my life. It isn't always easy, well, mostly never easy.

Y'all know how it is. Just the other day I took a girlfriend (newlywed and childless) of mine to the zoo with my two hell raisers. Our estimated time of departure was 10:30, I made it to her apartment by 11:15. We did the polar bear half of the zoo and went back out to the car to have our picnic lunch. Lunch only took about an hour to eat. And while she sat quietly and ate her lunch, I fussed and fought with my two girls and managed to cram a picked over sandwich and some strawberries down before it was time to go. The original plan was to return to the zoo, but after all of that I was exhausted. We decided to go to Old Navy to use our 5$ off coupons. I don't know if she'll ever go with me and the girls anywhere again. I never understand my friends that take their children shopping. Mine are terrible! They whine, cry, scream and somehow manage to pull a whole rack of clothes to the ground. I felt bad for my friend who was at our mercy. I could tell by the end of the day, she was ready to escape. So if my childless friends are exhausted from 5 hours of quality time with my children, why don't I get to be?

It seems like a mother is just expected to be exhausted, to be stressed, to be running around insane with 50 things to do and enough time to complete 2. I'm tired of running. No more running. This is my mantra every evening when around midnight I collapse into bed. Only to lay there eyes wide open, thoughts of all of tomorrow's tasks.
I've figured it up. I have 14 hours of the day to myself. Typically I try to stick to the rule of 5 around here. 5 hours of awake time before I make them nap and 5 hours from the time they wake up 'till they go to bed for the night. so really that's only 10 hours of the day that I have to be a mommy. The rest of the 14 hours could be spent wisely. Maybe if I made out a schedule, I could get it all done. You know, sweep the floors, mop the kitchen, rotate the toys, change the bed linens, do all the laundry, iron, do the dishes, clean out the fridge, organize the garage, scrub the tubs and toilets, rotate the girls clothes, shop for clothes, dust, vacuum, make 3 meals a day, garden, shower, get dressed, keep up a side business, make myself presentable, lose weight, study the Bible, catch up with friends, serve others, and get a good night's rest. Now I'm sure I've left stuff out. But if I did all that, I would spend about 30minutes on each task, including sleep.
I often argue with my spouse about how much a stay at home mom would actually get paid if you broke it down. Check this article out that says the figure is $122,172. ( http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/what-is-a-mothers-work-really-worth-456608/ )

But really, recognition and money aren't the point- although wouldn't the above figure solve a lot of issues in this house. I just want to know what's important. What do I do first? Do I spend all of the 10 hours with my children? Loving them and playing with them and feeding them and teaching them. Or do I break it up? Or do I give them my undivided attention for half of the day and work on the rest of the stuff (see the long list above) after nap time. Whatever it is, I find it difficult to strike a true balance. I find it difficult to fully complete one of those tasks in an efficient manner.
I do allow myself some downtime. My house is far from perfect (I should be cleaning instead of writing this.) My garden needs to be weeded, I need to do several loads of laundry and my bathroom rarely gets a thorough cleaning. I go out with friends some and I do get a babysitter to come when I really just have too much to do. But I wish in the mean time, I could find some peace. I wish I could be the mom who let everything go. Who only took one thing at a time, who never let the dishes, or the bills, or the yard hold her up from enjoying her babies. I pray for patience with myself. I pray for peace in this tumultuous environment. I pray for the understanding of what it means to embrace these gifts that my girls are.
I pray for these things and for you.

Ephesians 6:13 (The Message)
13-18Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.

Mother Lover

2009-05-10T20:22:00.001-07:00

Ok so I got the title from a text I received today from a dear friend of mine, but I thought it was cute, so I'm claiming it.

On this so special of days I must of course tell you about my mother.

Paula is a rare breed. She is the mother of 3 and wife to a serious crazy man. Unfortunately for her, her children couldn't be more different (see the earlier post concerning Lydia.)

In 1991, my mother buried her youngest daughter, Hannah Rae, after a 3 year battle with Leukemia. I can't begin to describe how she was those 3 years. I can only say she was amazing and Hannah was the luckiest to be born to my mother. After Hannah died and a couple of years passed, my mother went back to school. Actually she never really went to college after her High School graduation. She married at 17 and she graduated with a class she'd never known because she and my dad moved shortly after their wedding. So when I was 14 and embarking on my new experiences in a new private school, she was taking the plunge of academics also. She was brilliant. The best grades, president of the Nurses' Association at Northwest Community. She received a scholarship to travel to London to study oncology nursing. She went to work after graduation and hasn't stopped since. She's worked every nursing job you can think of. She's been a nurse on the cardiovascular intensive care floor (the place you go after your triple bypass). She's been a home health care nurse. She's instructed CPR, worked as a shot nurse. And now for the past few years, she has administered chemotherapy to cancer patients. She is an amazing nurse.

As my friend, one of my best, she is fun. We laugh, too much. We yell, a lot. We cry, sometimes. But most of all, we just spend time together.

When I heard stories of mine and my sisters' births, she described her mother-in-law as the Mother Teresa of baby nurses. My grandmother would clean and cook and never hog the baby. Always my mother would tell me this. And mother would always say "When you have your babies, I will do the same for you." When Remle was born, I was having much difficulty trying to get her to breastfeed. Since my mom had breastfed all 3 of us, she had to be an expert, right? I can't tell you how many times my mother sat by my side and grabbed my boob and shoved Remle's head at a neck-breaking angle. It never worked, I cried and came close to violence a few times. The first few weeks of Remle's life I didn't hold her much. The baby pretty much spent her "mommy bonding" time with her "Lolly." I was mad then, and amused now. When Daily was born, she was in the NICU for the first week, so when I brought her home, I was alone. Remle was in daycare and I decided that I would be fine with just me and Daily. But I asked my mom to take off of work on the 1st week that Remle would be home with me full time. So she did. She also managed to get a stomach virus. So not only did I breastfeed a 3 week old baby and take care of a 14 month old, but I also nursed my sick mother back to health. I was exhausted and at my wits-end then, now I laugh in memory.

My mother is a hard worker. Her garden is a thing to behold. She works hard for her family. Always remembering our favorite things to eat. Making 4 different desserts and 3 different types of potatoes at Christmas. She remembers the little things. She has taught me how to celebrate even the smallest events. To make each birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July and so on a special time. I learned how short life can be and my mother treasures each moment. She truly understands the sweetness of life.

My mother is a "Lolly" she always has a smile for my babies. She always has more love to give. She always seems to know exactly what they want. My girls love her and can never get enough.

My mother is a great daughter. Travelling 8 hours to get her mother after an ice storm left her without power. Making the same drive to take her to a doctor's appointment. Thinking of the smallest things and hoping to make her own mother feel special.

There are a million stories I could tell you about my mother. You would laugh and cry and beg for more. For me, she is a constant source of frustration and humor. I love her.

My true hope is that I have learned how to be so giving and loving and fun. I need more fun in my life, and my mother is always willing to give it.

Update

2009-04-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

So I have seriously been working on a post since the middle of March. I can't seem to get it right and I think that I'm entirely too emotional to get through it right now. That being said, I'll put it aside and focus on the lighter side of life.

The big thing that I recently did was leave my two children in the care of my two very capable aunts to go on a 4 day cruise with my sister and mother. Lydia and I bought the cruise for mom last October (her 50th birthday,) but we chose to go in April to give ourselves time to prepare. And by prepare I mean lose as much weight as possible.

So beginning in January (because why would you start before the holidays?) my mother and I went into Death Com 5 mode and lost as much weight as possible. I don't know how much she lost, she looks great though. I am proud to say that I lost 45lbs. I'm also ashamed to say that while I lost that much weight, I still need to lose more.

Needless to say, much fun was had by all. It was very difficult for me to leave my girls. A few weeks before the trip I told Remle that I was going on a big trip and she was going on a little trip. And every time her response was "But I want to go on the big trip with you!" It just about broke my heart. I was a bit grouchy the first little while, I really missed them. I needed the break, but I haven't been away from them for more than a few hours before.

We drove to Florence, AL to drop off the girls at my Aunt Susan's house. My grandmother lives there with her and my Aunt Nancy had come down to help with the babysitting. My Aunt has a nice place out in the country. There is a cute little dachshund and plenty of gravel and yard to play in. We loaded them up with groceries, clothes, toys, books, crafts, medicine, and of course the run down on the ins and outs of being Remle and Daily. After a couple of hours of getting them settled, we left for Auburn to spend the night at Lydia's. Mom and I had quite an adventure just making the 4 hour trip to Lyd's. When we arrived at Lydia's, we made her try on dresses and show us what she packed and ask Matt to go get us Sonic for dinner. We were already having fun.
The next morning we packed up and left for Mobile. We got to the cruise terminal and stood in various lines like cattle for what seemed like hours. Finally we were boarding the ship. Our room was fine, nothing fancy, I did have to sleep on the floor. Well, it was a cot on the floor. And we unpacked and readied ourselves for the emergency drill. We were a bit confused and had to be told to come out of the room and bring our life jackets. They kept talking about our muster stations, but we had no idea which one was ours. (We finally figured it out on the 3rd day of our 4 day cruise. It was clearly labeled on the inside of the closet we opened about 50 times a day in big bold letters.) We went to dinner dressed up every night. We took professional pictures at every photo stand they offered. We ate every meal in the dining room. We consumed unbelievable amounts of soft serve chocolate ice cream. It was available 24 hours a day! We danced, sang karaoke, went to shows and laid out in the sun. We did have a lot of fun.

I was not sad to come home, I was so ready to see my girls. We were back in Auburn by lunchtime and decided to do a little shopping and spend the night hanging out with Lydia and Matt.

The next morning Mom and I headed to Florence. I was so excited the closer we got!

The girls of course were huge. Daily had grown a whole size! Her feet were bigger and she was talking so much. Remle now has the worst country accent. Everything she says has an extra vowel or two in it.

My girls were glad to see me. But I think that they enjoyed their time away too. I hope that I give them their special time with and without me. I thought that I would have no problem dropping them off and leaving them. I thought that I would be so glad for a break and peace and quiet. But the truth is, I missed my chaos. Remle and Daily, no matter how wild they are, are such a gift. I'm proud I'm their mommy.

Remle is talking non stop and has learned so many new things. Everyday she is closer to spelling her own name. She loves being outside now that the weather is nice. And she loves to help with all of my household chores. She likes to sleep with a large blanket over her crib now. Her "tent" has to be just right. She still takes a pacifier when sleeping. And during the course of the day if she's quiet, I've learned that she just went to bed so that she can have some alone time with her pacis. Remle has a deep fascination with insects. She has been bitten several times (although, fingers crossed, not yet stung.) She loves to pick them up and let them crawl on her. I'm trying to let her do her thing to an degree. I'm glad she is in touch with the smallest of living things. We worked on potty training for a couple of weeks and pretty much were trained in the tee-tee department. But for whatever reason, she no longer wants to do it, so I didn't push it. Hopefully she'll change her mind soon, as this 2 year old wears 3 and 4t clothing and the biggest diapers (size 6) are starting to get tight. :)

Daily talks over Remle. Full conversations are had between these very good friends and terrible enemies. They love each other one minute and maim each other the next. Daily is my climber. It is not unusual to find her on top of the kitchen table, or trying to climb into Remle's bed. She does every big slide that her sister can do. She is full steam ahead all day long. She loves her babies. Her latest favorites have the silky hair like Barbie. She had her favorite that we called "yellow baby" that was so tattered that I went to find more. I found them on clearance and bought nine of the same type (Disney Soft and Sweet.) The Easter bunny also brought her a Tinkerbell that has seen some better days. She calls Remle "mimi" and spends plenty of time screaming at Mimi for something unforgivable I'm sure. Her hair is not curly like Remle's, it's growing out and is constantly in her eyes. She rips out whatever bow or elastic I put in to keep her visibility clear. I can't wait until it is long enough for a full ponytail or to stay behind her ears. She's a mommy's girl and I'm careful not to play favorites, but love that she wants to cuddle me.

As I have said before, I'm blessed. God knew I needed the break, but also knew I needed the insanity. It just wouldn't be perfect any other way.

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me...

2009-04-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

As a foreword to this post, you must know I've been working on this for quite sometime. I have a compulsion to make all my writing perfect. And while they never really are, this one is more important than the rest. I've started and stopped due to denial, anger, bargaining and depression. The five stages of grief seemed to be relentless and I can not claim that I am close to the last stage of acceptance. I am a firm believer in Heaven and God and that those who go before us are the lucky ones. I desire to be in Heaven, I don't fear death for myself. I do not fear the "unknown." I have no reason not to believe what my Father, my Savior, has told me.

John 14:2

"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you."

My grandfather was a hard man. He saw a lot of things in his life to make him this way I guess. I never really understood this when I was a girl. I just knew that he could be hard and that I loved him something fierce. He was larger than life in my eyes. In his eyes, I imagine he was just doing the best he could.

Ray Lynwood Carpenter Sr. was the husband of Rose Denton Carpenter and the father of Ray Jr., Nancy, Frank, Floyd and Susan. And I being his 2nd granddaughter (daughter of his 2nd son, Frank) was in awe of him. There was a whole house of us. I'll give you the list, just to be clear. Ray Jr married Pat and they had Little Ray and Rachel. Little Ray married Mary and they had Ariyal. Rachel married Jeff and they had Gage and Layla. Nancy married John and they had John Raymond, Andy and Thomas. John Raymond married Susan and they had Ethan. Andy married Wendy and they had Eli. Thomas married Callie. Frank married Paula and they had Brandy (yours truly,) Lydia, and Hannah. Brandy married Ab and had Remle and Daily. Lydia married Matt. Floyd married Libby and they had Wyatt, Whit, and Kayla. Wyatt had Trip. Susan married Harold and they had Bethany, Emily, and Kathryn. Bethany married Matt. Emily married Jon. So that's 37 so far. That doesn't include some of the adopted members we had along the way, or the ex-husband (mine) or wives (Wyatt.) Or the ex-husband and wife (John Raymond and Susan) that both stayed and Susan now brings her significant other. Or the 2 sets of great aunts and uncles that had no children of their own, so we took them in. So you see, my grandfather, from now on referred to as "papaw," was not people poor. Although sometimes you knew he wished he were.

Now that we've covered his blood family (well the basic few,) you must know about the rest of his family. The family he had at the Reynolds plant that he worked at for most of his adult life. Or his church family at Florence Blvd. Church of Christ. And of course there was his World Bible School family. The people he'd never met, who were brought to Christ because of his tireless work.

Hopefully you're beginning to get a picture of Papaw. To know him was to love him, respect him, fear him, and adore him. He wasn't perfect and made no presumptions to be so.

He was a good carpenter. He could make anything out of wood and spent many hours "in underneath the floor" as mamaw would say. His shop was dusty and unorganized and his place to escape I'm sure. He would sit in his chair in the living room with one leg swung over the arm. He would say "come here and let me pull your grass." And even though you knew that meant pull your hair (and that it would hurt) you let him. He made you want to behave not only cause he knew how to wield the razor strap but because he just made you want to be better than you were. He was honest and a little prejudice at times. He was giving and loved getting gifts. He wanted you to bring him back something every time you headed to the store. He told me stories about my daddy and aunts and uncles. He told me stories about the war. (He was an MP in World War II) He loved good food. We kids and grandkids knew better than to sit in his chair. We knew that he had a drawer full of old undershirts that made great nightclothes. We knew he didn't care if we shot the neighbors chickens. I broke up with a boy once because he told me that listening to Papaw sing the songs at church made his ears hurt. He was my hero. We felt his love. You could say "I love you, Papaw." and the typical response would be "ok." His strength carried us all. He loved the Lord and believed in being good to people. And I can't remember him ever telling me that he didn't have time to do something I wanted. I can't remember him ever not being happy to see me or any of his kids or grandkids.

Papaw once took me to Cracker Barrel and asked a waiter there to sing him a song. Papaw requested "Danny Boy" and gave to boy 5$ when he was done. I later got him a cd that Johnny Cash had released, one of the last ones he ever recorded. We listened to "Danny Boy" together and now I can't hear it without being propelled back to that moment.

My grandfather had diabetes, emphysema, heart disease and other health problems. He lived a full life but hated being dependent on his children and wife. I once asked him why if he was in so much pain did he not lay down and die. He told me that he just was not ready and that God wasn't ready either.

Papaw became difficult to maneuver out of the house. He was in pain and very sick. He couldn't walk without assistance and he had to stop attending church. But even a week before his death, he was still working on World Bible School. He died on March 17th, 2008. It feels like it was this morning that I was breastfeeding Daily and got the call that he went to be with his Father. Finally he was with the sister I'd lost and the granddaughter he never got over losing. He is able to walk freely now and see the faces of those that became redeemed into Christ because of him.

Even so, with all of the glorious things and more I'm sure, I miss him terribly. It could be that he was our family's center and now we seem to be slipping away. Or that my mamaw isn't the same and seems to have given up on her earthly life without him. It could be jealousy that he is with my precious sister or the babies that were never fully given to me. Whatever it is, there is a hole. I feel strongly about grief. I feel that we all grieve over different losses in different ways. I know that I should live in his legacy. I'm trying so hard to still make him proud. I didn't know him well enough and there was never enough time. I didn't make time in the end. My girls will never know the papaw I had. Yet I know that their Poppy will be the same for them.

I am a Carpenter through and through. I find myself wishing I could call him and just say "hello." I don't want to throw away a single piece of wood he has touched. I don't want to forget anything about him. I loved him and always will.

...and all my dreams will warm and sweeter be. If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me, I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

My Favorite

2009-02-14T21:29:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I do love Christmas and Mother's Day. But for whatever reason it has been my favorite for a while. I've even been dumped on Valentine's Day. I've spent several alone (I know, if you know me-that's difficult to believe.)
I think it's my favorite because it doesn't celebrate anything else other than love. And I'm not sure if the holiday was meant to be reserved for those you have a romantic love for, but I don't care. I like to think Valentine's Day is meant for all of those you love.
I'm a lover. I always have been. I have a really short fuse. My temper is awful. Yet as quickly as I am angered is as quickly as it is gone. I rarely hold grudges. I rarely yell. Most times that's a good thing, but sometimes I wish I were better at sticking up for myself.
Anyway, back to the love. In honor of this special day I thought I would try to list some of the things that I truly love. Some of them are people, some are inanimate objects, some are memories, and some are dreams. I have no idea of whether or not this will interest you, but I feel moved to share anyway.

the sound of rain on a tin roof - my sister, Lydia, and I used to share a bed when we lived in our single wide trailer. We had a little window in our room. I remember just laying there thinking how beautiful the rain was. How everything was right in my life (I was very young.)
the smell of Tommy Girl perfume - I wore this perfume when I was in Australia. I don't even have it anymore, but when I smell it, I am literally transported back to that place. My mind allows me to see, hear, smell, and feel everything that Australia was to me.
writing - I don' t know if I'm a good writer. I often don't pay too much attention to grammar like I should. Some people have told me that I'm talented. I'm forever working on this one book. I have written countless poems. I write best at night.
ice cream - I love Breyers chocolate chip cookie dough. I've tried other brands and it's just not the same. Mind you, I haven't had any in quite some time. Ice cream doesn't help me lose weight.
my girls - I actually have 4. Of course there is Remle and Daily, but I have two Jack Russells living with me right now (one on loan from my sister while her fence is being built.) Playing outside with all 4 of them is fun. My daughters love them and my dogs love the attention. I have always been a dog person, I grew up with them. I highly recommend the movie "Marley and Me." If you are considering owing a dog, or having children, or either one, or both, you should see this movie.
Sha - we've known each other since kindergarten. You always hear about the good friends that you'll have in different seasons of your life. I agree, I have had some friends that were perfect for me when I was in a certain place. But my friendship with Sha has seemed to transcend all of that. Mind you we haven't always been the closest. We had our times when we argued or simply had other things going on. And all of those times we have found a way to find each other again. We have never had a problem picking up where we left off. I have no reservations with her. I laugh at her and cry with her. I believe in her. She encourages me and keeps me grounded. I am appreciative for everything she has done and everything she has kept me from doing. I have no reason to believe that our friendship will ever end. I think she is truly one of those gifts that God knew I would really need.
my family - I have a big family. Of course there are my parents and sister and brother-in-law; my in laws; my little foursome. And then there are the extended one. My cousins are more like my siblings. My aunts and uncles more my parents. We have a unusual chemistry. Like in the movies in a way. Difficult to explain and not always stable, but a force to be reckoned with.
my role models - all of them at different times in my life, and I'm sure I'll leave some out, but a few to start: my parents, my sisters, the Bright family, the Moore family, Michele Moss Brown, Christy Honeycutt Brockman, Grant Knisley, Jamie Robinson, the Rubios, my grandparents, my aunts, Sha Moore Toohig, Tami Billings (wherever you may be,) Lois Colvett, Janet Honeycutt, Johnny Cash, Jeanie Finzer, Teena Cummings, the Chesters, Marka Bennett, Debbie Edwards, the Iveys, Tim Cutberth, Mr. Sanders, Tommy Drinnen, Karen and Garry Brown...to name a few.
Opryland - I know this sounds crazy. It's not even there anymore. When they tore it down, I mourned for months. That place had so many memories for me. I knew it like the back of my hand, and being a roller coaster fan, I went way too many times to count. I miss it and I know there are better theme parks out there, but I really wish I could have taken my girls there. They would probably look at it and laugh. But I don't have a single bad memory of that place. It made me happy. What's so wrong with that?
music - I saved the best for the last because if you know me, you know how I crave it. While I do love a good song, lyrics do not have to be involved. I can hear a song once and if it grabs me, I know it. You may know I sing a little. I'm loud and it used to get me made fun of. I can sing softly, but if I'm singing because I want to and not paying attention, I am loud. I love the way music makes me feel better. I love the way it can make me cry. How like a certain smell, just a few notes can take me to a different place in time. I love how music can communicate so much more than words can. It is timeless and perfect and without prejudice. It is my sanctuary.

So that was a pretty long list and I thought I was keeping it short. You may have known that I loved all of these things. But on Valentine's Day, a day set apart for love, I wanted to share.

Valentine's day never really goes the way I think it will. And really it's just one day, I shouldn't put that much emphasis on it. My dad always brought my sister and I a rose and something chocolate to school. Maybe that's how it started for me. All I know is that I hope that I can pass the importance of love to my children. Love is something that you do. And if only in the smallest of ways, an impact is still made.

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you know you are loved.

Picture Time

2009-01-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

Since the girls both reached age milestones recently my mom and I took the girls to have their picture taken. We went to Portrait Innovations in Collierville. I highly recommend this place. They took 123 pictures. They listen to the things I like and don't like. They let us do a wardrobe change and were very patient with me while I chose the 4 pictures I liked best. (I had some serious panic going on by the end of it, thank goodness my mother was there.) It's a great deal. They even have a package for $9.95. If I knew that I would have the strength to just get one pose and only pay that small price, I'd take them every month. Instead I go about every 3 or 4 months. We will probably go back in June when Daily is 18 months. I did decide to have my picture taken with them. I'm not crazy about it, but I know I'll be glad I did it.

I grew up with a mom who treasured pictures. I honestly don't know if she's ever thrown one away. I am a bit of a pack rat because of her. I recently went through a box of pictures she had collected from the house. I did throw some away, only because I had so many of the people in them already. It didn't make sense to keep them.

I always told myself that I'd keep all the pictures of ex-boyfriends and old friends, love letters and pass around notes, ticket stubs and clippings. I wanted something concrete to show my children. I never felt like I had enough of that from my parents. I never felt like I knew their younger selves well enough. Maybe we're not supposed to know our adolescent parents. Maybe we'd be a little afraid of what our 20-something folks would look like. I'm sure we'd be surprised. I'm sure my parents didn't always have that confident air they have now. Still it would've been nice to see a glimpse of them, more than what a studio picture can tell. So that's why I keep those things in a big box beneath my bed. Sure I go back and read some of those old love letters, it makes me laugh. But hopefully it will impact my girls in a different way. Maybe they'll understand me better. Or gain a perspective on what life could be like or will become. Then again, maybe it's foolish thinking. My children may never ask to see those things. They may not care about what their mother was like at that age. And to be honest, I may be a little sad if they don't.

I do believe the past can help us grasp the future.

And I wonder what technologies will be around in the next 5 years to help me capture my girls. We bought a video camera right after Daily was born. I do love having those moments. I haven't gotten the whole transfer to DVD down perfectly yet, but I'm working on it.

Hopefully, my children will cherish these things. Not everyone has the same sense of nostalgia. But if I pass something along to Remle and Daily, I hope it is the sense that I cared enough to capture their memorable moments. Even if some are only in my heart.

Cradle-Roll

2009-01-20T21:56:00.000-08:00

Many of you have seen my Facebook statuses lately. A friend and I are hard at work to start a cradle-roll at church. If you didn't grow up in the Church of Christ like I did, then you may have no idea what a cradle-roll is. Well simply put, it's a Bible class for babies. Why they just don't call it "baby Bible class," is beyond me.
I'm really excited about this opportunity.

When I first visited Friendship Church of Christ, I was overwhelmed with not only how friendly everyone was but also how much my 2 year old, Remle, was learning in her class. Not only did the church offer regular Bible class with activities such as singing and crafts, but also provided a Jr. Bibleland during worship. I love it. I drop her off at the beginning of class and don't see her again until worship is over. And all week long we talk about Bible class. And each Wednesday, she's excited to go back to class.
The first Sunday that we visited, there was someone in the nursery to watch my then 10 month old, Daily. She was the only baby in there. And from that day forward I took her with me to class and worship. I didn't see a need for a person to miss out on worship for one baby. Now Daily is almost 13 months and is difficult to handle during class and worship. Another mother of an 8 month old girl is having the same problem.
As of March, the church will have 4 children under the age of 18months. It just seemed like a natural thing to do. So I went to the source.
My grandmother taught cradle-roll for 30 years. What a legacy! My mother taught cradle-roll for many years also. I have big shoes to fill. My mom has helped me with the bones of the program. She taught me the basic curriculum and gave me a list of necessary supplies to get started.
Monday I ordered the table for the class. And Thursday I will be working in the nursery trying to decorate and organize what I can.
I'm typically a "it needs to happen yesterday" person. I'm the least patient with myself. It seems like it has been forever that we've been working on this. But I think that's because it has become a real need in our congregation.
I've been all over 2 different counties looking for what I need. As I was racking up at a local dollar store, the cashier asked me if the stuff was for a daycare. I replied that no it was for a baby Bible class. She looked at me quizzically and said "You're going to teach babies about God?" It was a powerful moment for me.

Both of my girls were winter babies and I didn't take them out much before 3 months for fear of them catching cold. But I recently read a blog of an acquaintance who had documented her daughter's first visit to church. In the picture documenting this blessed event, the little girl was already able to stand on her own! How important I believe it is for our children to be exposed to Jesus Christ as early as possible.

If you still are not convinced that babies need a Bible class or are even capable of learning, I urge you to check out this article about a church in Texas.
http://www.childrensministry.com/ArticlePrint.asp?ID=1763
If you still are not sure, bring your baby to the class in a few weeks. Even if you don't leave with a clearer understanding of who our Savior is, I'm sure your little one will have a great understanding of how wonderful the cradle-roll class is.

Luke 18:16 (The Message)
15-17People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. "Let these children alone. Don't get between them and me. These children are the kingdom's pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in."

Resolution

2009-01-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion
a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

So I'm sure by now you've made yours. Maybe you don't. Ok, you're a rebel. But are you really? It's difficult for me to believe people when they say that they don't make New Year's resolutions. I remember being a small child and overhearing my dad tell a family friend a few of his resolutions. I was in awe. I don't really know why except maybe then I thought he had nothing he really needed to change about himself. But I think change is healthy and good and sometimes fun. And yet, change almost always scares the hell out of me.

That being said, I have resolved to post on a more regular basis. I looked at my blog tonight and realized it has been quite sometime since I last shared my thoughts. Almost 4 months! So much has happened in that time that I feel I should catch you up to date. After all, my life is quite entertaining.

My sister and I bought my mother a cruise for her 50th birthday. We leave in April. We are really excited and are desperate to get into our cruise worthy bodies. Drastic measures must be taken, but I'm up for the challenge.

I found out that my closest friend is pregnant. She is going to be, and in all fairness already is, an amazing mother. Congratulations!

I started selling Avon. I haven't done as well as I had hoped, but I haven't been trying as hard as I should either. I signed up right around Thanksgiving, so I let myself kind of learn the ropes during the holidays. Time to get serious now. If you are interested you can go to www.youravon.com/bmattice

I spent 4 glorious days with my sister at her home in Auburn, AL during Thanksgiving. We made all the food from scratch. She made the turkey and dressing. It was delicious. It was stressful and fun. I was surprised and elated when she agreed to get up at 3:30 in the morning on Black Friday to go shopping. That was my first Black Friday experience. It was so much fun. I hope it is a new tradition with us.

I celebrated Remle's 2nd birthday with a Sesame Street party. My mother, sister and I made the 3 tier cake. I will probably never do that again. It was absolute insanity. I also learned that some people have very loose opinions about how to behave at a child's birthday party. Evidently some mothers feel it is perfectly fine for their child to rip open the birthday girl's gifts before she has even laid a hand on them. I think she should open her gifts after everyone has gone home. My mother thinks this is rude. I have decided that the gifts our guests brought can be opened during the party and the family gifts can be opened in a calmer setting. Who knew there would be such drama?

I attended the funeral of my closest friend's grandfather. I felt such pain for her. I still do.

I made it through the 1st Christmas without my papaw. I will surely dedicate several future posts to my grandparents. It was excruciatingly painful and I found it difficult to enjoy Remle and Daily's day.

I placed membership at a new congregation. Friendship Church of Christ is an amazing church and I encourage all of you to visit. http://www.fscoc.org/

I made friends with a girl at my new church home. She is a stay at home mom of a 7 month old girl and a 4 year old boy. We try to get together once a week or so. She has helped me with the loneliness.

I rang in the New Year with the Riverkings. A family from church went to the game with me and then stayed with the girls while I went out for awhile. Honestly, I wish I had stayed home and celebrated with them. Y'all are a fun bunch! Thanks a million.

I made several resolutions. (more on those in the future)

I found that I am very busy now. The girls of course are as wild as ever. They are constantly tackling each other and narrowly missing a sharp object here and there. I try to balance time with them and housework. I find myself letting the housework slip a little. It's a losing battle, but I'm enjoying the time I spend just playing with the girls.

In this last week, with the help of several people, I have started to put together a cradle roll, or Bible class for the infants at church. I'm really excited about this. I hope this is a successful contribution I am making. I love being involved.

I have a friend who recently had a baby boy (recent as in like 3 months ago.) She also has 2 older children and a full time job and a husband. She still manages to keep up with her blog. And her body looks like she never suffered the trials of birthing a baby. She is one of my inspirations.

So while I'm sure I've left some stuff out, it's a good synopsis of what I have been doing with my time. I love this outlet I have. I know that I would be able to resolve some things going on in this head of mine if I used it more often.

So prepare to hear about the changes I'm making. I can't promise you that they will all be entertaining or enlightening. But I can promise that they will be honest.

above-board, authentic, bona fide*, conscientious, decent, direct, equitable, ethical, fair, fair and square, forthright, frank, genuine, high-minded*, honorable, impartial, ingenuous, just, law-abiding, lay it on the line, like it is, no lie, on the level*, on the up and up, open, outright, plain, proper, real, reliable, reputable, scrupulous, sincere, straight, straightforward, true, true blue, trustworthy, trusty, undisguised, unfeigned, upfront, upright, veracious, virtuous, what you see is what you get

So now you know at least one of my resolutions. To be more honest with myself.

What have you resolved to do?

Hoss, Lil' Red, Itchy, Spicy... Lyd

2008-09-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

I can remember my sister coming home from the hospital. Some people think that it's crazy that I can remember being three years old, but I do. I hated her from the beginning. Hate is a strong word. I should rephrase, I was very leery of her presence. And so the saga begins.

She's 25 now. And I can honestly say, she's one of my best friends. She is, without apology, a royal pain in the arse sometimes. And it's all I can do not to wring that skinny little neck of hers. Other times, she's great. It hasn't been long that I've had such rosy feelings for her. We are very different people. So different, that if we didn't share some of the same physical characteristics, I would doubt that we are truly sisters. But since I know it to be a fact, I should embrace it, right? No, not so much.

My girls changed a lot of things. When people say to a happy couple, just beginning to feel the excitement of parenthood, "your life will never be the same." It is very rare that this blissful couple truly grasps the gravity of that phrase. I know I didn't. My girls changed my relationship with my sister. And every day that relationship gets better.

Growing up with Lydia was difficult. She was a brat, a tattle-tale, a faker and a spoil sport. She made me want to pummel her, in fact I'm sure I did a few times. We went to high school together. She was a freshmen, I a senior. I drove a Bronco that had a problem keeping that back tire latch closed. At red lights I would make her get out and close it. I thought it was hilarious, she thought it was torture. We did have some good times growing up. Largely though, my parents were much easier on her than they were to me. I had to work harder for my grades. I was never as kind or as delicate as they thought her to be. She was fragile, they would say. Even my friends could see it. And of course my parents deny it even to this day. Lydia denies it too. She thought the exact opposite. She did everything they wanted her to do and they rewarded her for her good decisions. I don't think Lydia was wrong for this. But it would've made me insane to walk such a line. Now, my parents weren't awful. We as a family had our share of struggles. And children never really do understand everything that their parents are trying to do for them. But Lydia and I were as different as night and day.

The same Lydia that yelled at me the whole time I drove us anywhere (school alone was a 35 minute drive one way) was also the Lydia that joined me in stripping down to our bras once the school was out of sight. It was hot and the Bronco had no air conditioning. And to be honest, those little things made me love her more. The same Lydia that complains about how stressed she is and how tired she is, is the same Lydia that always asks how my day is going. The same Lydia that never seemed to care what I thought, is the same Lydia that gave me a ton of creative control in her wedding plans. The same Lydia that frustrates me to no end, is the same Lydia I call first for a good talk.

When I got pregnant, I called my sister and told her before I told my parents. She was there when the girls were born. She was there for Remle's first birthday and Christmas and Easter egg hunt. I'm sure she will be there for as many firsts for Daily too. She has called me practically every day since Remle's birth. Especially now that I'm a stay at home mom.

Watching her with my girls is like magic. She tires of them easily. I laugh wondering how she will ever survive motherhood. I always give her a hard time, saying I'm genuinely concerned if she can handle her own offspring. But I know that my girls could not have asked for a better aunt. The moment she enters the room, they light up. To them she is perfect in every way.

I can't wait till she has a little one of her own. So that I can spoil that baby the same way she does mine.

I laugh when I think of the day she stayed with me in the hospital after Remle was born. I had a c-section and really wanted to rest. Remle was asleep in Lydia's arms because if Lydia was there, I did not get to hold my baby. I would try to breastfeed and Lydia would be kissing the top of Remle's head. Lydia was stuck to that baby like she was the new mother. I watched her in awe, seeing a new side of my sister. I got up out of the hospital bed, made a comment about having a nap, and made my way to the bathroom. When I opened the door to leave the bathroom, there she was. She was in my hospital bed, covered up in my blankets, head on my pillows, holding my 2 day old baby girl. Both were asleep. I felt a tug, understanding that God had just given me a glimpse of what changes were in store for me. He gave me a beautiful baby and a new relationship with my sister.

There are times that being with her is heaven. And there are times when I can't think of any criminal that deserves to be in her company, she would make them suffer so. But I am so grateful that my girls have her. I am grateful that my girls will get to see how wonderful it is to be someones sister. Even when you thought that was the last thing you wanted. Even when you thought you hated her.

I love you, Lyd.

Our work is God's work

2008-08-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

In a very recent conversation with a dear friend, I was told I was a great mom. This of course being said after careful observation on the friend's part. And I kind of shrugged as to say "I guess so."

Reflectively I ask myself why it is so difficult at times to admit that what I am doing with my life is a great accomplishment. I love my children. I love my job. But as previous posts prove, I also wonder quite often if this is what I was meant for.

In my devotional this morning, I was directed to believe that whatever it is that we do, is God's work. That driving a truck, delivering the mail or working at a bank is God's work. My job that I left to be a full time mom was mostly about serving others. I do despartely miss that profession. I seem to be born with a need to see others happy. To resolve a problem and send people on thier way, feeling a bit better about the world. And why now, do I not always feel that my life has real purpose, I do not know. It is a daily struggle. This human affliction of needing to have a feeling of selfworth can be quite destructive.

So I have decided to let my work be not only for my children and family, but foremost for God. I will not be perfect. I have never been. I know there are others that will be better at this than I am. But if I mop the floor, change a dirty diaper, make grilled cheese sandwiches, read the same book for the millionth time and sing lullabies for the glory of our Lord, then it will change the way I feel about my profession. Will I always be so positive? Absolutely not. Will this make tasks that seem so mundane easier? Probably not at first.

In another conversation with the same friend, we spoke of worship and what it means to us. How everyone has a different opinion of how it should take place. The specifics and little details that really in the end are not that important. And the result of this debate on both sides is that we worship God in everything we do. That our lives should be in constant worship. I of course already knew this, as did my friend. Yet sometimes, most times, I need to be reminded.

I am grateful and humbled by everything the Lord has done for me. I have these girls to show me how wonderful He is. Every moment is a blessing. And while I do not get much reflective time, I do make time for a morning devotional. And this one today, put me in my place. Thankfully, we have a God that loves us enough to know that sometimes what we truly need is a swift kick in the pants to get us back on track.

I challenge you to do each task in your life for God's glory. I can safely say that you will have a change in attitude. And everyone needs a change every now and then.

I was just reminded

2008-07-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything new because life has been out of control busy. I started the blog before we left for a family vacation to my husband's hometown in Canada. When we made it home from Canada, we visited my sister in Auburn, AL. So you see, I've had literally, no time. But why start a blog if I don't have time for it? Well one of my favorite things to say is "You'll never have time, you have to make time." So here I am, making time.

I have a dear friend who is trying to have a baby. Well, who doesn't have a friend who's trying to have a baby? If you're even remotely friendly with me, then at one time not so long ago, I was that friend to you. Desperately trying and each month I was devastated. Then along came, Remle and life just changed. Changed isn't even the word for it. To be honest a part of me wants to shake this friend and yell "Don't do it!" And yet I know that's crazy. I mean it sounds like I regret having children. That I don't appreciate the gifts that God gave me and that I don't see what a miracle giving birth is. Believe me, I do. I see it, feel it, live it, every day. But the truth is, motherhood (notice I didn't say parenting, cause that's very different) will change you forever. This friend of mine has everything right now. Great job, great spouse, great house, great car, wonderful body. I can't believe she'd want to screw it all up. Now if you are just some random person reading my blog, then you are not qualified to yell at me. You don't know me, you can't hear my voice inside your head while reading this. You don't know how much I have given up to raise these two grub snatchers. You don't know, so piss off. For the rest of you that do know me, you know I'm torn. I had this life, not perfect..who's is? But it was good for me. I went out when I wanted. I spent money on what I wanted. I socialized with who I wanted. When you have a kid and you're trying to do right by that kid, things change.

Everyday I wake up and think that I should be doing something different. My husband always asks me if I'm working on the book that I have been working on for 10 years now. And my answer is always "there's no time" I know, I know, see previous statement about making some. But truth be told, when you have a kid or multiple kids, things get put on the back burner. In some cases, the pot gets washed and put in the cabinet. And it's possible you'll never see that pot again. I had dreams. Big dreams.

Now part of these dreams going down the drain is my own damn fault. Dropping out of college and marrying way too young are my fault. But you live you learn and some of those mistakes have made me who I am. And I am better for it. I promise. But some are dreams that needed cultivating and time. And one of those was having babies and being a stay at home mom. Did I plan for my life as a stay at home mom to be this way? No, absolutely not. I thought I would be this crafty woman who had a squeaky clean house and brilliant children. Now mind you I am crafty and my children are brilliant, but my house is never clean. In fact it is very close to being a health code violation. Any minute the CDC could bust up in here and it would all be over.

And every morning I desperately wish I had my full time job back and my children were in daycare. That sounds crazy because every day I went to work at my full time job and took Remle to daycare, I cried and I hated it and wished exactly the opposite. I am so fickle.

I do really want to write a book. I think that I would be good at it. I have great ideas and everyone I share them with, thinks they're great too. I would love to be in a Broadway show. That will probably not happen. But I can dream. That statement was mostly for people who are always asking "Why did you never do anything with your voice?" If you know me and didn't know I can sing, I really can't, please don't ask me. Unless of course it's your wedding or funeral. I make exceptions for that. I'm too old for American Idol anyway.

So getting back to this friend. You know who you are. I am your biggest cheerleader for whatever you want to do. I have always been and always will be. (I hope you haven't been trying to get rid of me.) I know I don't always say the right thing. I know I don't always give motherhood the best face. But I just want you to know how different life will be. You will love it and hate it. No harm in the truth. I know you'll be great at it. You're great at everything. Your offspring will be amazing. I just want you to know that if you ever really do feel like it's not what you expected, or you are in way over your head, call me. I will not say "I told you so." Probably because I'll feel the same way. Most likely because I'm 10 seconds and a overly used mantra away from stuffing my kids in the oven.

You will never get these moments back. The moments when you wanted that baby so badly, but cherished every moment that they weren't here. Living your life, fulfilling your dreams. You will grow through the journey. You will learn and you will be bent to your weakest point. But nothing feels like motherhood. It is an awful, glorious, insulting and blissful job. I pray that all of your wildest and childlike dreams come true. Love is truly shown through the eyes of a child. And I love you dearly.

Now, how soon are you going to buy this tired and haggard old mother a drink?

Just a beginning

2008-06-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

So I need a creative outlet and I read other's blogs and I think "I should do that." So here I am, I'm going to try to figure this out. Figure everything out.
I know that it's not my burden to bear. Why I struggle with this so much I may never know. One moment I think I'm the strongest woman out there and the next I'm fearful and weak. I say to myself "You shouldn't be so vain, so reliant on yourself." And I also think that I'm the only one who really cares what happens to me. Me, me, me...a recurring theme. I'll get past that one day.